There was always a reason that I hated being alone. It's not that I'm lonely or high maintenance, or that I have to do something every second of the day. No.

When I'm alone, I have no distractions from food. It's like... My mind takes over, I feel like I need it, and in the end... I eat it. Not just a snack, not just a nibble of something. I eat a lot. I eat like I haven't eaten in weeks. I don't know why I can't stop, but my body just keeps asking for more. The sad part is, when I'm done, I feel like I just want to die.

And it's not because I haven't eaten in a couple days. I usually have fantastic control over myself while fasting. But it's when I take a bite of something, even something little, that the horrible cycle begins. Hear that? No, I bet you don't. The sound of a plastic wrapper of a roll of crackers I just demolished, crumpling as I go to throw it away. You don't even want to know what else I ate today. I'm ashamed and I feel too full for words. Obviously, I broke my fast. I feel like a failure.

The hardest part, even harder than dealing with what I just did, is blogging this. I promised I wouldn't hold back, and I didn't - not entirely - due to my boyfriend reading but... I don't know. This is hard for me. I feel like he should know, if no one else. And he's been so good to me about it the past couple days too... But it's still hard. I hate being judged. He said he wouldn't, but people still have thoughts. I'm sure things are still going through his head. What are you thinking about baby?

I'm fasting tomorrow. And also, hopefully, getting a treadmill. At least if I decide to binge, I won't feel as bad if I can run it off any time I want...

I hate food.

I absofuckinglutely hate waking up in the morning feeling sick. And the sickness is usually from my horrible eating habits the night/day before. Pizza. Wow. Tootsie rolls. Fail. Starburst gummies. Fml.

So not eating today was purely due to the fact that I felt like I was going to vomit until about 12:30 in the afternoon. I'm not complaining about not eating, but I can't say I enjoy feeling like a sick dog all day. I slept through two class periods, before my art teacher made my boyfriend drag me off to the nurse. I love how no other teacher offered to send me to the nurse, because half a dozen people told me I looked like death today. Oh well.

I feel a little better about telling my boyfriend about the whole situation. After a long talk about everything, he promised to do everything he could to support me... no matter what. It was really nice to hear someone say they just want me to be happy. I even went as far as to give him the blog info... I trust him with it. And I don't plan on changing anything that I say. I'm still going to say everything I normally would, even though he's reading. I'm not going to lie, or leave things out, or be fake. He said he could take it, so I'm going to continue writing what I write.

And hooray, for a follower!

That's all for today. The boyfriend is at the end of the bed, because I told him he couldn't read the blog until I had written it. So he's sitting behind the laptop, waiting patiently. Guess I better finish up for him, he wants to rage on some WoW. :]

Think thin, keep up the work.

I'm rather depressed.

I some what sort of came out and told my boyfriend about the eating disorder. I didn't really mention anorexia or anything, I just said I had problems with eating, a mental distortion of what was thin, and that I couldn't control it. He came back with,

"How can you not control what you eat? You decide, you decide to eat or not to eat today."

My heart kinda hurts. I mean, I guess I couldn't expect him to support me. That's kind of dumb. No one would support me. But now he's going to watch me like a hawk, and make sure I eat. I don't want to lie to him about food. I want to be honest with him, about everything. But I'm going to get fat. I'm so deathly afraid of gaining weight. Once you've had a taste of thin, you never want to go back. I miss being 122, and ever since I've been with him, I've put on about ten pounds. I feel disgusting. I feel heavy and bloated. I can't control what I eat anymore. It's honestly easier to just not eat, but he won't let me get away with that now. I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't want to lie to him... he's my baby.

And this is when I realize that someone who has never experienced anorexia will never ever understand it's effects. They will never understand the constant mental disturbance it causes, they will never understand the way you feel when you eat. No one will understand how you feel and they can't say it's as easy as a decision. It's not that easy. It's like prison. You're trapped and surrounded by guards, those guard being food. You can't leave without taking a bite. If you take a bite, you're sent back to prison because that's no good. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm just really upset right now. I wish I had someone to understand me. Someone who won't tell me to eat. Someone who will not eat with me. Someone who won't tell me I'm too thin.

I feel really alone, actually. My only friend seems to be food, maybe that's why I've been binging so much. I miss feeling empty. I keep saying I'm going to fast but never follow through. Why is this so hard? Why can't anyone understand? I want help, but at the same time I don't. Help will make me fat. Help means eating. I don't want help. I just want to get rid of my addiction to food.

Help.

I want to be healthy.
But I just as equally want to be thin.
I want a size zero.
But food gets in my way.
What can I do?

It's so hard to be healthy.
It's even harder to be thin.

I wish I had more time to blog. I feel like I'm just so busy all the damn time. I guess that's not a bad thing, I'd rather have lots to do than sit home alone all day. But sometimes it'd be nice just to post a blog a little more than every couple days. Then again, I'm not really sure what the point of posting is because I haven't a single follower yet. Hahah. Well, I'm sure they'll come in time.

So how's the eating, everyone? I know I said I was planning on starting my fast two days ago but that was a bust. I started today because I kept putting it off and I needed to finish off the food mom bought the week prior. So in a way I just binged like crazy just to get it all out of the way. Not to mention I went out to eat almost every day this week with my boyfriend, and then yesterday went to Applebees with my mom. I ate a huge plate of fried shrimp, fries, and even an appetizer of onion rings. I felt so sick but it was so good. Sometimes I wonder why I bother eating it because honestly, the taste really isn't worth it. It's good, but it's not worth it.

I love the feeling of fasting. I know I've said it so many times but it's such a high to not have anything in your body. The shakiness of the first day makes me feel so energetic, like I can't sit still. Aside from being sleepy the first day as well, it all feels so good. The second and third days get so much better. Mmmmm... I'm so glad I started a fast again. This time, I'm not going to binge my weight back. I keep gaining back the five - ten pounds that I keep losing. I get down to 120 and then gain it all back because I can't control my eating. But I'm not going to eat it back. I'm going to use my healthy eating to my advantage. Every time I want something that tastes good, I'm going to have some spinach instead. I love spinach. My boyfriend and I ate a whole bag of spinach together like it was a bag of chips. Am I strange?

Ugh. My body isn't hungry but all food looks good. Even the thought of meat sounds delicious and I don't even eat meat! This morning, my boyfriend had scones for breakfast. You have no idea how hard it was to tell my body that it didn't need it. It didn't need the sugar, the fat, the grossness. "They're gross, they're bad for you, you don't like them," I told myself. Not to mention, he offered them three times and I had to remind myself of all those things each time he asked. Ugh. Food. I hate it, but I love it. I'm so addicted to it. Why does food have to rule my life?

Think thin, you'll be a size zero soon. :]

I really wish I had some viewers. I mean, of course, I'm writing for my own purposes: to vent, to complain, without being complained back to about how much I complain. hahah. But it always seems to make me feel better when I have readers. Readers who offer advice, share my problem and can relate, or who are just interested in reading. I have like... no idea how to GET readers, but I hope that some come along soon, I want some blog friends. :] Speaking of that, I'm still looking for some ana texting buddies.

To finish the week off, I'm gonna start a fast tomorrow. I'm hoping for this one to be just as long - if not longer - as last weeks. Boy that felt good. I ate so much today, too. It was bad. Lots of cheese too, which really bothers my stomach. I don't know why I eat it, because my stomach completely fails at digesting it and I usually vomit the next day. Blah. I'm afraid to go to school, because I might get sick. I guess I'll just stay home. It'd be nice to try and get my boyfriend to skip with me... Mmm, fun.

Speaking of the boyfriend, I'm really starting to appreciate him. He's so sweet lately. Like, he'll bother to try and feed me, but if I say no, he doesn't keep on my ass about it. He just says, "Okay babe." and leaves it at that. He doesn't pry, he doesn't pressure me, he just accepts it. I haven't told him about my eating... then again, I'm sure it's not hard to figure it out. I'm just not sure I want to come out and say it. It's one thing for him to assume, it's another for him to know... and judge me. He says he loves me though. I don't know, it's only been a couple weeks. It seems early but... I feel like I've known the kid all my life. Is that weird?

Blah. I'm so uncomfortable with this full of a stomach. I wish I could make myself throw up, honestly I'd feel better. But I can't do it, no matter how far I shove a finger or two down my throat. Not that it's something I'd ever want to get in the habit of doing, but I'm sure you've had your bad days where you've felt this disgusting before; Those days that throwing up would just make you're stomach feel a lot better. Not to purge it. I'm not a purge-er. I hate throwing up. It makes me cry and stuff. Maybe I'm just a big baby.

So, if there are any viewers, please start to follow publicly! I'd like to see and hear from all of you. It's wonderful to get to know people just like me, to relate. But for now, I think I'm done with my rant. I'm sleepy, and I think I might hit up some WoW before I try and get some sleep. Yes, that's right, I play World of Warcraft. Sue me. Hahahah.

Think thin everyone, we're that much closer to size zero. ♥

It's been a while since I've actually posted an update. It's mostly because I've been living like a fat cow for the past week. I fasted successfully for about four days, and then Halloween fucked it up. I really wish I just hadn't eaten any candy and kept fasting. I was doing great, feeling amazing with an empty stomach. And then I fucked it up. I haven't really binged, I've just been... eating. Too much. I feel fat. I feel bloated. Mom went grocery shopping so I'm forced to eat or else the food goes bad. My boyfriend insists on buying me food after school. I need to eat this fucking food until it's gone and then get back on track. I haven't followed my plan at all since Halloween so I'm disappointed in myself. 130 pounds feels so fat. I miss 122. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he loves me how I am, but he's always touching my hips and telling me how amazing they are. I want them to show more, I want him to admire them more. I so badly want 115 pounds. No, I want 110 pounds. I want to be weightless. My boyfriend is about 135. He's so skinny, I love it. We're both skinny, but I want to be skinnier.

I have to go now, though. Going with the boyfriend to a party for his mom's town supervisor election. Maybe I'll post again soon.

Think thin, everyone. We're all able to reach size zero. :]