So, I know I JUST posted. Not to get spammy, but I have more to say.

My mood just completely flipped around. Oh how I love reading other blogs. I don't know why, it's just really motivating. And, since starting the blog, I'd say I've made a few "friends" - followers, but saying friends makes me feel like we're closer hahah - and I thought maybe doing something "together" would be fun. Yeah?

A fast.

Let's do a fast up until the day before Thanksgiving. Who's up for it? I totally know that all of you are capable of doing it, and I think if it's something we're doing simultaneously, it'll be more likely to get done. I'd love to do a longer one, but come on - it'll be Thanksgiving. And there's no getting out of eating there. So here's the plan:

Start of the fast: November 21st.
End of the fast: November 25th, on Wednesday morning.

Rules:

• Only water, or natural tea. No diet sodas, nothing with fake sugar in it.
• We must communicate every day - post a blog about how it's going and we'll all check in. :]
• If you're going to participate, leave a comment so we CAN read your blogs.
• At the end of the fast, repost new comments on this same post with how much weight you lost and any other positive changes.
• No cheating! Well... I guess, even if you do, there's nothing we can do about it. This is a matter of getting a few people together and successfully completing a fast.
  

Let's do it girls!

(I hope everyone sees this before they wake up in the morning and eat! :o I'm the only loser her checks her blogger a million fucking times a day.)

So I've returned sooner than I had led you all to believe. I guess I'm lonely. Not physically. Physically I'm always with someone, always talking to someone, always having company.

I'm lonely when it comes to "this". My eating disorder.

I humored my boyfriend. I ate for a whole week straight. I managed to keep down my weight, and was slowly losing. Today I binged. How lovely. I'm not mad at myself, I'm really just indifferent. What the fuck right? I'll end up losing it one way or another, and this is no different than any other binge day. Who cares. I feel like binging isn't even worth it anymore. Food isn't satisfying. This is probably my last time now. It's getting to the point where I've had so much that I'm just done.

My boyfriend said he wasn't going to read the blog anymore. I don't know how true that is. I mean, I can't really stop him from reading. Whether he is or isn't... well, I don't even know what I had to say about that. He had a real problem with me fasting for the length of time I had planned last time so... I'm not really sure what to do about fasting. I want to do it. I almost kind of miss it. I don't feel like myself. I guess all I can do is say fuck it and do what I want. I love him, but I'm not changing for anyone unless it's myself. That's how it's always been. Sorry baby, if you're still reading. I know you're worried, but... Baby, this is me. I know how to take care of myself. I'll be fine.

So I'm starting another fast. This one will be strict. And after it's over, it's back to spinach and tuna. I actually felt really good all week, with that being pretty much my entire menu. But I feel like I need to fast before I return to food. I must be punished for my gluttony.

Good night, lovelies.

Just a heads up to those who are reading:

I'm not going to be a blogging for a couple days. Maybe about a week. I need some time to get my habits straight and get back on track. I don't feel like I deserve to post on my blog. Don't worry though, I'll still be staying updated with everyone else's and I'll continue to leave you all comments and support. Don't worry about me. :]

Talk to you all soon.

So today was a rather good day. I controlled my food intake. I didn't really feel too hungry today. This morning I ate purely for the fact of getting something into my stomach. It felt like I still ate a lot today, but my calories managed to stay below 1000.

Breakfast: 25 total
broccoli - 25

Lunch: 190 total
A hand full of fresh spinach - 10
Apple Cider Vinegar(dressing) - 0
Some fuze drink thing - 180

Snack: 80 total
Apple - 80

Dinner: 660
Tuna sub - about 500, it was a small one.
10 salt and vinegar chips - 100
soup - 60
strawberries - 100
Total: 1055 calories
Exercise: -200 calories
Grand total: 855

So I didn't eat only veggies and tuna. BUT, I'm definitely proud of the number today. And I only counted calories for the pure sake of eating things that weren't on my list of allowed foods. Tomorrow is a fast, and then the next day will be another day of healthy eating, etc etc. So, we'll see how this works out for me. Because my control was a lot better today than it usually is.

So I've come up with a little plan, as far as eating, that will keep me and hopefully everyone around me happy, but at the same time I'll still be losing weight.

While reading the blog "The Chubby Pear" earlier this morning, she mentioned eating and fasting every other day in a previous post. My boyfriend never said I couldn't fast at all, just that he didn't want me fasting for five days straight. Understandable. And I'm definitely not looking forward to almost passing out again. No thanks. So I'm going to give that a try.

So, on fasting days - obviously - I won't be eating at all. Only water. On days where I'm allowed food, I'll only accept tuna, green veggies (and cauliflower because it's just delicious), and water. Possibly vitamins. Haven't decided, because those little fuckers lie and say there's no sugar in it. But in the label it says dextrose; A form of sugar. As far as calories, I'm not going to count them. They'll be practically non-existent if those are the things that I'm going to be eating anyway. I'll just eat when I'm hungry, and fast every other day. Maybe then I'll be able to control my binge habits a little better because I'll still be eating, and I won't be completely nutrient deficient. Also, on eating days, I'll involve some sort of moderate exercise. Aaaand since I exercised this morning... I guess it's an eat day.

Also, if my mom would figure out her paypal account, I could eventually get my nutrient shakes from Herbalife. Those things are so damn good and will make up for the lack of anything in my diet.

I guess that's all for this morning. I'm going to shower, and have some breakfast. Wow, saying that sounds so unfamiliar... I think the last time I had breakfast was about two weeks ago.

Well whatever. Wish me luck.

These past few days have been hell, as far as feeling good. I'm not sure why, because usually I feel really good while fasting. But I've been tired, sluggish, and haven't really wanted to do anything. I think I might be slightly dehydrated, which could be the problem. I tried to get some more fluids down yesterday but I still feel kinda shitty. It makes me want to break the fast.

I had to restrain myself sooo bad from indulging on food these past three days. My friend brought in cupcakes for her birthday. I fed my share to my boyfriend instead. I tried to ignore the bag of girl scout cookies my boyfriend was eating last night while I was over. I haven't had girl scout cookies in forever and they looked soooo fucking good... But I refused any. It was also our one month anniversary, and I so badly wanted to go out and do something. But everything I wanted involved food, like going out to dinner and the such. So I just avoided asking for anything as to not provoke a failure on day two.

I'm really grouchy, I've noticed. I hate the first couple days of fasting because they're always the worst. Like, starting over, day one is the worst. You just want it to be the third or fourth day and you just want to have already lost five or so pounds. And the thought of food you don't even like sounds great. You can smell EVERYTHING. You're always tired. Ugh. At least its going on the third day now.

Oh, and my mom's starting to get all suspicious. She's actually concerned about the fasting thing now. So doing it will probably require effort when at home. I hate telling lies but... Oh well. They're only little white ones.

EDIT:
I don't think I've ever been afraid of something going wrong while fasting. I never really thought anything would because... well, it hasn't before.

Like I said in my earlier post today, things just haven't been right. I've been feeling really shitty, lethargic and tired. Today was the worst because I felt like I had no energy for anything. Later in the day, I managed to get cut and was bleeding pretty badly - by means of which I don't really want to talk about. After trying to stop the bleeding, I got outrageously dizzy, felt like I was going to vomit and had to lay down. Next came the feeling of having to pass out. It wasn't until my boyfriend got some juice in me that I felt better. I was so shakey, I could barely hold the glass. He was upset, with my eating habits, and kept telling me he was worried. I think that was the first time in my life anyone ever said they were worried about me... honestly.

I'm kind of in a predicament here. I very badly don't want to eat. Everything is all fine and dandy... until I eat. Except today. And I promised my boyfriend I would eat for him, more than I usually do anyway. I very badly don't want to break the promise, but I don't want to eat. I really, really don't. But I can't seem to lose weight the right way, because of my binge eating habits. It's just easier not to eat... It feels so much better not to eat. Why am I always so guilty when something goes into my stomach? Even spinach gets me all worked up because I know it's in there... I know I ate. I'm so messed up.

I guess, since I'm being "forced" to eat, then I'll only accept a few things into my mouth:
spinach
tuna(spoonful of mayo for moisture)
water
vitamins

Low sugar, low calorie. It will be impossible to put on the weight if I stick to it, and no one can be on my ass for not eating.

So... this is completely random. But yesterday, my boyfriend played a song when he was driving me home and I nearly cried. It was just really emotional. It brings back memories, ones of being a child. Way back when I felt like I had no one, when I felt like I had only myself to rely on. Way back when I told my self everything would be okay, everything would be better when I grew up.

I guess they are progressively getting better. They still aren't perfect, but life is better than it was. I have lots to be grateful for, now, and I'm glad for that. I just wish I didn't struggle with this.

Anyway, here's the song. Enjoy it.



Hang on... Help is on the way.