Ugh.

Sometimes I just don't want to eat, out of spite for something.
For days. Weeks.

Anyone else get like this?

I hate contradicting myself. Because if there was no consequence, no lectures, no anger or worry, I would starve myself to nothing.

But I'm trying not to.
I'm trying to make the rest of the fucking world happy with me.
God damn, I'm not going to like this change in habit.
I already feel it.

So I've done some thinking. With the elyptical here (though not set up), I won't feel so guilty about eating. I can exercise, and eat, and still lose weight. And with making a promise to my boyfriend that I wouldn't fast for more than two days at a time, I'm going to be doing just that... fasting only two days out the week, and eating normally the rest. Normally as in... 1200-1500 calories. I know, it sounds disgusting, but I'm really trying to fix my problem. For me, so I don't have to watch my hair start to fall out or my nails crack from lack of nutrients. For my boyfriend and my family and my friends, so they don't have to worry about me anymore.

I want to start to enjoy life, not let food control it.

I know fasting still won't help. But this is a process that's going to take time. I'll start slow, until I'm completely back on a healthy track. For now, I'm going to keep fasting but try to keep it to a minimum. And maybe, if I'm successful, I can be somewhat of an inspiration for others to try and help themselves, while still being thin just like we all want. :]

So here's to a hopefully healthy week. Tomorrow and Tuesday will be a fast, the rest of the week will be filled with eating. I cringe at the thought of it, but I'll try and get used to it.

For you, baby.

The problem with suffering with a binge eating disorder and anorexia is that you maintain your weight. It's very discouraging. And while you might say, "Maintain? That's great! You aren't gaining."

Wrong.

I feel so unhealthy. Like, I get random chest pains. My stomach always hurts. I feel nauseous just about every day unless I don't eat. I need to learn to eat regularly. Like my friend said today, in order for one problem to get better, I'll have to cancel out the other. Which means no more binging and no more restricting. My binging is probably a result of the fasting, which is why I'd have to stop fasting. But I'm so accustomed to fasting now that I just don't want to stop. I feel great when I do it; So little, with a flat stomach. Nothing else gives me the same feeling. And nothing else is as efficient. Healthy weight loss is so discouraging. I just can't seem to find motivation is losing half a fucking pound a week. Am I alone there? I just think that's so ridiculously slow. Maybe I just need to work out more, and harder.

God damn I just want to fast for days. Thanksgiving has made me feel disgustingly gluttonous. My boyfriend so badly doesn't want me to do it anymore. :\

Fuck.

I'm trying really hard to make this better. I know it's killing me. My spurts of not eating, and then eating far too much is putting a lot of stress on my body and my emotions. If I don't stop, I don't even know what's going to happen.

I feel like I should go vomit...

My heart hurts.

Sometimes I wonder where my life is going to go. I have this picture, in my head. It's a nice picture, happy, content, smiling... I know what I want. I just can't seem to get there. When I was younger, my goals were so set in stone. I was so strong. I believed in everything. I was naive, and innocent. Never a doubt in my mind; Anything was possible. When you grow up, life isn't always as perfect as your imagination can play it out to be. Things go wrong and the word perfection disappears from vocabulary all together. Suddenly you're alone and you have to make decisions and fend for yourself. When you need someone, they aren't there. Everything was so easy when you were young. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Regardless of how I looked, even. Maybe if I went back, I wouldn't have to deal with this disorder. I wouldn't have to deal with the judgement of people. I wouldn't have to lie. Those who knew wouldn't have to cringe at the mention of it because... it just wouldn't exist.

Who ever it was that said telling someone would be a bust... was right. I'm going to lose my boyfriend. I know it. I'm such a wreck tonight, and of all nights that I need him, I'm not with him. He's probably reading this, too, hating my problem even more. The only one who hasn't been terribly upsetting about it is my best friend. I know she cares, and thank god she's never going anywhere. I owe her so much more than I give her.

I can't help it.

I'm so unbelievably scared. I want life to be as simple as it was as a kid. I'd see what I want in my head and it would just happen. Scary monsters would go away if I just pulled the blankets over my head. Mean people would stop being jerks if I just ignored them. Best friends were loyal, and forever, so long as we made a pinkie promise. Scrapes on the knee could be fixed with a kiss and a band aid. But everything has become so severe, nothing seems innocent anymore. People are so negative and the world seems less and less happy every day. The eating disorder doesn't help. If I could fix it, I would. But I'm so afraid. And no one has the patience for me...

I guess, if things go wrong... I'll just have to hold my own, know my name, and go my own way.

So I think today I'm going to break my fast.
I know it's a day early, but I'll tell you why.

"I think you have an eating disorder."

I was mortified when those words came out of my mom's mouth this morning. I don't know what she's been reading on the internet, but something about anorexia must have come up when she searched about constant fasting and restrictions when it comes to eating. :P So I'm going to eat a little, to mask any sort of doubt that I might be lying about being "just fine" when it comes to eating. Still only going to have these drink mixes, and no solid food yet. But it'll keep her content at least. I'm just sad that I probably won't hit 124 tomorrow. I'm at 126 right now and I'm stoked. I already see a difference. I love feeling so tiny.

So, congrats to Anamarie for participating. I haven't heard from her in a couple days but if you read this before you finish your four days, I'd like to see how you're still doing! If not, then congrats so much on the four fasted days!