Sorry about the outrageously short post earlier today. I was in a hurry, since I was off to the mall with the boy. But now I'm home, and I've got a bit of time to post a bit more in depth about what's going on.
Every time I disappear, I attempt to go through this recovery thing and for a while I do well; I eat, I really don't gain weight, I start to feel good about myself. And then something will happen and everything will just get fucked up. I'll fast for a few days on and off, until my boyfriend talks me into feeling good about myself again. The blog really only becomes a necessity when I'm feeling really shitty. When I've got no one who understands. When I feel like I need all of you to hear how I'm feeling. Even if no one comments or reads, I guess venting is helpful enough to get all this shit out.
I kind of want to return to old ways. Constantly not eat, count calories, all that shit. But the constricting lifestyle clashes with my friendships and such. It's hard to maintain both. Apparently, my best friend since 7th grade laughed and talked shit about me and my eating habits since the beginning of this year. I love how I never found out until the year was over. It's great how you trust and confide in people, and they stab you because they're ignorant and naive to what it's like to go through something like this. We're not friends anymore. She doesn't care. Think my heart is broken? Yup.
So here I am, fasting to try and fill some sort of fucking void. Love it. The one thing that has remained constant in my life since all of this started has been my boyfriend (minus that month that we had our problem ). I am so beyond grateful, because I don't know where I'd be without him. He might still read this, I'm not sure. But I'm not just saying that because he may, it's because it's true. I love you baby.
And all of you have been great. I always feel like I can come back, regardless of whether I've tried to recover or if now seems to be the worst time of all. You all are always here and it means a lot.
But shoving aside the mushy stuff; The fast.
I plan on starting tomorrow with a full glass of water, two Ritalin, and a cup of coffee to follow. Going for however long I feel like it.