Fuck.

Relapse.

Rumble.

The boyfriend guilts me into eating.

Thank you.

Even if I bitch and whine at the time, I need it.

Addiction.

I guess in a way, all sorts of addictions are ideally the same. Whatever it is that you're addicted to, you get entirely absorbed in it and it takes over your life. It's overwhelming, stressful and depressing. Often times, you beat yourself up for mistakes that you make involving the addiction when you're trying to quit. And it seems like every time you try and remove that particular thing from your life, it becomes the only lingering thought on your mind.

But the thing about addictions is, they can be conquered. And if the addiction itself might seem completely in control, just know that you're not alone. And sometimes, said addiction might help you understand a person a little more. Might even help you support something that you don't entirely understand. Because when someone is addicted to something, and they're trying to fix what they've become accostomed to, what they need more than anything is not to be told what they're doing is wrong.

They need support.

No matter how many times they may succeed or fail at fixing the problem.

Valentine.

I don't think I've ever cried from happiness before. For a long time, I didn't understand why people shed tears when they were happy.

Until tonight.

A little over one month ago, a boy left me. While it may not have been the only reason, my eating played a role in ending the relationship, it was a part of it. And all this time, trying to fix it, I've gained weight.

There's one thing all of us have in common. We're looking for some sort of acceptance. And here we are, searching for acceptance from everyone in the form of skinny. But what I didn't realize until tonight was that we don't need the whole world's opinion. We don't need the entire world to think we're beautiful. All we need is one important soul to praise us, and tell us that everything about us is perfect. That we're amazing, inside and out. Even if we're not just skin and bone.

I found him.

He came back.

This time, he made me cry for all the right reasons.

A confused mess.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. I get in these little mental fights with myself about food.

When I eat too much, I often tell myself that today was the last day. At that point I'm so sick of food that I just don't want it anymore. I promise myself the next day that I'll fast and everything will be better. The next day comes. By the morning, I've got that feeling of hunger all over again. I tell myself I don't want to eat. But then I sit there, debating over breakfast, all the while telling myself that I need to stop fasting and that it's unhealthy. The other half of me argues that I'm a fat slob that needs to control myself. Somehow or another, the half that says it's unhealthy takes over and I usually have a bowl of oatmeal in a matter of one minute and thirty seconds flat. Any possibility of fasting is over with that first spoonful of oatmeal, and then I end up eating the rest of the day.

I'm not saying this is at all bad. I'm happy that I can actually eat and enjoy food now... But there are times where I look in the mirror and can't help but feel like I've let myself down. I mean, I know that I could do something about it, without fasting. It's just hard. Especially when all that you ever known was not eating.

I'll get there soon.

Return? But not the same...

I guess I sort of went on a recovery streak after my break up. I guess not really because I wanted to get better. Mainly because food was comfort. For the first time in a long time, food was comfort.

Trust me, I'm as surprised as you are.

But ever since then, I've been eating like a normal (sometimes chubby) person. I'm pretty sure I've put on a good ten pounds since all this has changed. I'm sure it could have been avoided, I've been eating pretty recklessly. But honestly, I think I needed a kick like this. Not to make me fast again. I don't think I COULD fast again. But to make me realize that my eating habits would do nothing for a long term, healthy weight loss. Only that can be achieved WITH food, not without it.

I'm just sad it took losing a boy to realize this.

It feels like it's been weeks since I've written. I even deleted the blog temporarily because... I just wanted to be done with all of this.

But I'm still here everyone...

Expect updates.