Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. I get in these little mental fights with myself about food.
When I eat too much, I often tell myself that today was the last day. At that point I'm so sick of food that I just don't want it anymore. I promise myself the next day that I'll fast and everything will be better. The next day comes. By the morning, I've got that feeling of hunger all over again. I tell myself I don't want to eat. But then I sit there, debating over breakfast, all the while telling myself that I need to stop fasting and that it's unhealthy. The other half of me argues that I'm a fat slob that needs to control myself. Somehow or another, the half that says it's unhealthy takes over and I usually have a bowl of oatmeal in a matter of one minute and thirty seconds flat. Any possibility of fasting is over with that first spoonful of oatmeal, and then I end up eating the rest of the day.
I'm not saying this is at all bad. I'm happy that I can actually eat and enjoy food now... But there are times where I look in the mirror and can't help but feel like I've let myself down. I mean, I know that I could do something about it, without fasting. It's just hard. Especially when all that you ever known was not eating.
I'll get there soon.
You're not crazy. If you're crazy, we, I'm guessing most of your readers and I, are crazy as well... well.. we may all very well be I guess. But I doubt it.
ReplyDeleteYour hunger is called being human. We will always come back to food, no matter how we try to hold it away from us. What the heck, food is life, how we keep living. We need it =(
It's okay though, I've heard.
we're all a little crazy. but being hungry isn't crazy. it just means you're alive. it's a good thing. we all just have to learn to live with it&only give in when absolutely necessary.
ReplyDeletestay strong, lovely.
xoxo
zette
If you're crazy then I am too.
ReplyDeletei have to say i'm exactly the same with that "all or nothing" mentality. it's either a fast or a binge/purge affair :(
ReplyDeletebut we can get past this! well at least you can (:
xx
Of course you're crazy.
ReplyDeleteYou're fucking starving yourself
ON PURPOSE.
But, I suppose we all are.
"Today is that last day"
sounds like an addiction, as though you could continue with
"Just once more"
It's like you're split in half.
Don't take fasting too lightly!
It's a commitment.
In fact, I don't think a fast would be appropriate
Right now.
Maybe you could restrict a safe amount. Make peace with food, redefine it as just
Energy?
Be strong. You'll overcome this
All or nothing cognitive distortion and
You will keep going because
You are a strong girl.
Bahaha, I love anonymous blogger! She just posts anything that is on her mind. Anon, TAylor loves you.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the spam, Semira!!!
Lots of love!
My day of unrestricted eating began with a spoonful of oatmeal today, too. I sat here contemplating fasting, being strong, until my healthy side got the better of me and I, just like you, thought, "I'll just have a little oatmeal, I'll be fine for the rest of the day..." Of course not. No, because that oatmeal tasted GOOD and my love handles feel like failure.
ReplyDelete*sigh..* We are all a little crazy, and at the same time, we are normal and human too. We hunger, and we thirst, and we err, and we disappoint ourselves, but we live. And sometimes, maybe, I think the last one (being the most important) is entirely dependent on all of the others coming together in the "right" fashion.
I hope some of that made sense.
<3