I completely need to turn my mindset around.

With my period just hitting me, I've been so miserable. I've taken it out on my mom, brother, boyfriend, friends... They all hate me for it. And for some reason, the mood swings are worse than normal. I can't even control it. My boyfriend bluntly told me I was a bitch today. Yeah, I died inside a little bit. I ended up coming home and sleeping until 8 o'clock. I had nothing better to do, and it was the only thing that kept my mind off those words. For some reason, the hostility kind of inspires me not to eat. That sounds so strange.

As far as Halloween, I think I'm going to make up some bullshit excuse not to eat any candy and just keep fasting that day. I know I'll regret eating it, and besides, I've had sooo much candy the last few days that I'm all candied out. It's bad. Aside from that, I almost want to test myself to see how long I can keep fasting. My longest was about three days, but I know I have the potential to go longer. Oh it'll feel soooo good too. I love the empty, light, jittery feeling.

My mom just put my dog down. I feel kind of bad because I influenced it. The dog is known to be a biter, and he's a bite dog so it isn't just a nip or anything. It's a full out bite. A think about a year ago he bit my mom and destroyed a nerve and made her bleed. He also bit some guy here a few months ago, who was roughin' around with him. Last night he bit me because I tried to pull a blanket out from underneath him. My mom said that it was the last straw, we had to put him down. The good news is, he's an old dog and he was kind of sick any way. We were probably doing him a favor, but I can't help but miss him any way. The house just seems like it's missing something, you know?

I've been asleep all day, to avoid food, so I'm completely not tired now. I don't know what to do with myself, and writing doesn't seem to be an option because I don't have much to say. Hahah, I love how I write these long ass posts and I don't even have any viewers. None that are following, at least. Oh well, someone will be bound to stop by and read something eventually.

Think thin, babes. And think size zero. :]

I've been posting way too much.

Life is really hard. Especially when you have an eating disorder. It's even harder, when you suffer from both ends of the spectrum. You can go days without eating, and love the feeling. And then another time, you're addicted to food. You binge and binge until you're five pounds more the next day. If anyone goes through this, you'll know the feeling. You feel amazing when you don't eat, and you feel just as equally amazing when you're binging. After the binge, you're ready to curl up in a corner and die. It's a horrible horrible feeling, and I don't know what to do with myself when it happens. Sometimes I wish I lived on my own, then I wouldn't have to buy food. I wouldn't have to tempt myself with eating garbage like my family does. Even though I think it's absolutely disgusting, I eat it anyway. I've grown up eating it, it's why I was fat. I can't help it. I'm addicted to food and I wish I could change it. Humans need to stop living to eat, and we need to learn how to eat to live.

I wonder if people really understand how anorexics feel. I wonder if they really understand how obese people feel. Even though both sufferers suffer at two very opposite side of things, there's something we have in common. We have an addiction with food, something we can't control, urges to do things we wish we could just stop. Are the people who work with people who have eating disorders ever been in recovery themselves? Do they know what it's like to feel like this? Do they know what it's like to want to just give up because you feel like you're worthless for eating something as small as a bowl of cereal? Life is so depressing when food controls it. The sad part is, we're all addicted because the people who made the food MADE it addicting. It's disgusting how far people will go to make money. Our world is cold and selfish. One will do anything for money.

Tonight is not a good night. I failed my fast because of my boyfriend. What did I say? I spoke to soon and said I was successful. Well guess what, I failed. Yeah, I'm really fucking happy about that. Not.

Fml. I want to be a size zero.

So there seems to be a bit of a trend going around with blogs and such. It seems other blogs that are also pro-ana seem to be looking for texting buddies. I figured I may as well join in on the fun, eh? Besides, it wouldn't hurt to have someone to relate to, I guess. Especially when food becomes a bitch, and taunts me. So, long story short, I'm looking for texting buddies. If you're interested, leave a comment with your email and I'll get back to you on that. I update pretty much daily, so it shouldn't take too long for me to contact you.

With the texting news aside, I'd like to announce that day one of fasting is almost over. I shouldn't say it is over yet, because I still have all night to avoid food in all ways possible. But, it's about three quarters of the way over. I still feel like a fatty, but once the first day is over, the rest of the days get easier and I'll only keep getting thinner. I kinda wanted to exercise earlier, but my fat lazy ass changed its mind and I only jumped on the trampoline for about 15 minutes instead of going for a run. Major fail. Someone kick my ass into gear, will ya?

I'm stoked for Halloween day. No, not for the candy; Fuck the candy. I'm stoked for my weight loss by then. It'll feel so nice to get into my old, favorite pair of jeans again without my hip flab hanging out all over the place. It's gonna be hot. Of course, they aren't a size zero, but I've gotta be grateful for something until then. ♥

My boyfriend tried to buy me a sub and a sugary drink today when he came to pick me up from school. He told me I was jerk for not letting him buy me something, joking of course, but I just stuck my tongue out at him. The only good part about hanging out with him is he's not the type of person who eats for entertainment. Like, when we're together, we totally forget about food. The only time he tries to force feed me is when my stomach growls like a fucking lion. He won't let me refuse food then. Usually I can get away with it by saying, "Oh I'm not hungry, just have an upset stomach!" I kind of feel bad, because he cares a lot about me, already. We just recently starting dating... so he has no idea about my whole eating issue. I'm kind of afraid to tell him. He keeps telling me I'm beautiful, he likes me the way I am, and that I am NOT fat. If I tell him, I don't want him to freak out and be like "I don't want my girl to eventually be skin and bones... gross." and break up with me. Which I'm probably exaggerating there a bit but still... I don't even know how to tell him. I want him to support me but that's never happened, ever.

Is it true that vitamins don't become deficient until 30 days of not getting any in the body? I read that somewhere, and that is fabulous news to know for the future, but I want to justify it. I just realized, it'd be faster to google it. Guess I'll get on that.

Think thin, babes. We're all a size zero. :]

So this morning, I wrote down my goals all over my calendar. Everything will get done by the deadlines this time. I will be 110 pounds by November 20th. I'll be fucking hot. And with so much enthusiasm this morning, I'm going to start the week with a fast. Sound good everyone? This is the perfect opportunity as well, because my boyfriend is sick. I won't have to hide my non-eating habits while I'm around him, and I won't have to lie to get out of eating food. It's perfect.

My only worry is Tuesday. I'm taking my road test, to get my license. I think fasting will be a good thing, because I can manage to remain calm when my metabolism is like... shut off. But the lack of food makes me even less concentrated than I already am. Which is bad. I think I have a tiny case of ADD. Oh well. Regardless, that's tomorrow, and I'm debating eating before hand. Well, whenever the answer comes to me, I'll post it. For now it's undecided.

I'm definitely one of the lucky teenagers, who's mom is so laid back. I honestly say to her, "Mom, I'm not eating this week. I'm fasting." And she seriously won't by me food until I tell her otherwise. I've convinced her that not eating is for health purposes, that fasting is supposed to be major healthy. I feel bad in a way for lying, but hey, she bought it.

I really hate the first day of fasting. It never feels as good as the other days. It's not till like... the second day where you really start to feel empty. I hate feeling like I still have food in my stomach. It makes me feel so fat, so heavy, so pulled down. I love having a tiny little stomach when there's nothing in it. It's amazing. I can't wait to be 110 pounds. I don't think I've ever come close to a size zero in my life - I've always been fat! - but I will get there this time.

I'm on my way to a size zero, and it's gonna be hot.

If any of you have ever been in the situation of being over weight, you would understand. The familiar taunt of almost everyone around you, ringing through your head, persisting even long after they are no longer around. Persisting until you're alone. Until you're lonely. To become skinny, people try anything they can possibly try. Diets. Exercise. It all works, for a while. Eventually though, nothing is ever good enough. You're always striving to be better. The effort of it all just ends up being too over whelming. Sometimes we just want to give up. Other times we take the route that seems so much easier.

We just don't eat.

For those of you who understand, I'd like to invite you in following my journey. I'd like to invite you to share with me your struggles and your goals of reaching a weight that only the most disciplined could ever succeed in reaching. You want to be the best. You want to be the strongest. You want to look better than anyone else.

You know what? You can.

We all can, and I'm blogging in hopes of keeping my goal. It's time to stop letting people stop your weight loss. It's time to become expert in hiding what you're good at. It's time to stop letting the scale disappoint us. We are thin. We are skinny. We only have one friend who understands us. Ana.

Think thin, girls (and guys). We're about to reach size zero.