Filling Some Sort of Void

Sorry about the outrageously short post earlier today. I was in a hurry, since I was off to the mall with the boy. But now I'm home, and I've got a bit of time to post a bit more in depth about what's going on.

Every time I disappear, I attempt to go through this recovery thing and for a while I do well; I eat, I really don't gain weight, I start to feel good about myself. And then something will happen and everything will just get fucked up. I'll fast for a few days on and off, until my boyfriend talks me into feeling good about myself again. The blog really only becomes a necessity when I'm feeling really shitty. When I've got no one who understands. When I feel like I need all of you to hear how I'm feeling. Even if no one comments or reads, I guess venting is helpful enough to get all this shit out.

I kind of want to return to old ways. Constantly not eat, count calories, all that shit. But the constricting lifestyle clashes with my friendships and such. It's hard to maintain both. Apparently, my best friend since 7th grade laughed and talked shit about me and my eating habits since the beginning of this year. I love how I never found out until the year was over. It's great how you trust and confide in people, and they stab you because they're ignorant and naive to what it's like to go through something like this. We're not friends anymore. She doesn't care. Think my heart is broken? Yup.

So here I am, fasting to try and fill some sort of fucking void. Love it. The one thing that has remained constant in my life since all of this started has been my boyfriend (minus that month that we had our problem ). I am so beyond grateful, because I don't know where I'd be without him. He might still read this, I'm not sure. But I'm not just saying that because he may, it's because it's true. I love you baby.

And all of you have been great. I always feel like I can come back, regardless of whether I've tried to recover or if now seems to be the worst time of all. You all are always here and it means a lot.

But shoving aside the mushy stuff; The fast.

I plan on starting tomorrow with a full glass of water, two Ritalin, and a cup of coffee to follow. Going for however long I feel like it.

Boyfriend, coffee, Ritalin, and diet pills.

My family.

I'm sure my random appearances frustrate all of you who read (if any) so I really REALLY want to try and keep this up like I used to. Get on my ass people, keep me going!

It's fast time, though.

Who's with me?

Happiness.

Like the title says. That's exactly what I'm feeling.

It's day 6 of my fast and I can't feel anymore motivated. I haven't stepped on the scale, but when one isn't eating, it's obvious they'll lose weight. So I have absolutely no doubts.

I've still been debating about writing a bit about what has happened since I haven't been around. But I've decided not to. The blog is purely for positive, encouraging thoughts. No more negatives. And talking about some of the things that happened, about three months ago, would be contradicting that positive aura.

Of course, after that month of January, things could not have been any better. Like I mentioned in my last post, my boy is back in my life. And I'd be lying if I said he wasn't the most important person in my life, because he really is. He's taking care of me, all while I do this. I appreciate it, that he's being so opened minded. I told him I was blogging again, and I don't know if he's reading, but if you are, I'm going to prove to you that the blog won't upset you anymore. Things are different now. :]

Also, because I absolutely love the drink and it is the healthiest and best tasting thing I have tried... I'm going to mention it. Skinny Water. No calories. No carbs. No sugar. No preservatives. Can you say replacement for half of my water? I think yes. It tastes JUST like juice, it's hard to tell that you're not drinking some sort of sugary drink. I suggest it to all of you. It's a better replacement for soda and coffee (one of them has natural caffeine for those of you that need that fix) and you'll feel better about drinking it. It's not one of those nasty powder drinks that you have to choke down I assure you. And replacing coffee is the best thing you could ever do. By drinking coffee, you lose many healthy vitamins in your body, which could cause many health issues. I never suggest drinking coffee on a regular basis if you're not eating (or even if you are!)

With that said, I am done blogging for the day. Buh bye. :]

A Tough Reform

It seems as though it has been so long since I have posted. So much has occurred since my being away, that I feel if I catch all of my old readers up with it, it may take too long. So I'd simply like to only say a few things.

It seems that many cases of anorexia manage to find some sort of relief. Those who "suffer" from it, somehow manage to "get better". But the thing that I'm sure many of you understand is that one never completely gets better. We just learn to deal with it. And that burden of dealing usually ends up sending us back into a deep hole of relapse.

I don't consider myself anorexic. I mean, a doctor would probably say I am. But whatever it is that's wrong with me, at some point I do want to end it. But right now, is just not that time. I feel like I need a fast. I need to feel what I used to feel. That's exactly what I'm going to do. And to "fix" myself after the fast, I'm going to eat healthily and end this horrible cycle of eating and not eating. I know I've said it so many times, and it's so much easier said than done, but I have a good feeling about everything this time. My boyfriend supports it again. With his support... I feel safe, I feel like I can do it and I can end it.

So I'm going to fast. My boyfriend has given me the allotted time of a month. I am allowed to treat my food intake however I like for that time, but after that he will no longer allow it. So I'm using this as a time to do my best at fasting, and after that I am returning to my healthy eating habits since after this month I am no longer allowed to fast.

Join me. Follow me. Give me your thoughts.

Fuck.

Relapse.

Rumble.

The boyfriend guilts me into eating.

Thank you.

Even if I bitch and whine at the time, I need it.

Addiction.

I guess in a way, all sorts of addictions are ideally the same. Whatever it is that you're addicted to, you get entirely absorbed in it and it takes over your life. It's overwhelming, stressful and depressing. Often times, you beat yourself up for mistakes that you make involving the addiction when you're trying to quit. And it seems like every time you try and remove that particular thing from your life, it becomes the only lingering thought on your mind.

But the thing about addictions is, they can be conquered. And if the addiction itself might seem completely in control, just know that you're not alone. And sometimes, said addiction might help you understand a person a little more. Might even help you support something that you don't entirely understand. Because when someone is addicted to something, and they're trying to fix what they've become accostomed to, what they need more than anything is not to be told what they're doing is wrong.

They need support.

No matter how many times they may succeed or fail at fixing the problem.

Valentine.

I don't think I've ever cried from happiness before. For a long time, I didn't understand why people shed tears when they were happy.

Until tonight.

A little over one month ago, a boy left me. While it may not have been the only reason, my eating played a role in ending the relationship, it was a part of it. And all this time, trying to fix it, I've gained weight.

There's one thing all of us have in common. We're looking for some sort of acceptance. And here we are, searching for acceptance from everyone in the form of skinny. But what I didn't realize until tonight was that we don't need the whole world's opinion. We don't need the entire world to think we're beautiful. All we need is one important soul to praise us, and tell us that everything about us is perfect. That we're amazing, inside and out. Even if we're not just skin and bone.

I found him.

He came back.

This time, he made me cry for all the right reasons.

A confused mess.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy. I get in these little mental fights with myself about food.

When I eat too much, I often tell myself that today was the last day. At that point I'm so sick of food that I just don't want it anymore. I promise myself the next day that I'll fast and everything will be better. The next day comes. By the morning, I've got that feeling of hunger all over again. I tell myself I don't want to eat. But then I sit there, debating over breakfast, all the while telling myself that I need to stop fasting and that it's unhealthy. The other half of me argues that I'm a fat slob that needs to control myself. Somehow or another, the half that says it's unhealthy takes over and I usually have a bowl of oatmeal in a matter of one minute and thirty seconds flat. Any possibility of fasting is over with that first spoonful of oatmeal, and then I end up eating the rest of the day.

I'm not saying this is at all bad. I'm happy that I can actually eat and enjoy food now... But there are times where I look in the mirror and can't help but feel like I've let myself down. I mean, I know that I could do something about it, without fasting. It's just hard. Especially when all that you ever known was not eating.

I'll get there soon.

Return? But not the same...

I guess I sort of went on a recovery streak after my break up. I guess not really because I wanted to get better. Mainly because food was comfort. For the first time in a long time, food was comfort.

Trust me, I'm as surprised as you are.

But ever since then, I've been eating like a normal (sometimes chubby) person. I'm pretty sure I've put on a good ten pounds since all this has changed. I'm sure it could have been avoided, I've been eating pretty recklessly. But honestly, I think I needed a kick like this. Not to make me fast again. I don't think I COULD fast again. But to make me realize that my eating habits would do nothing for a long term, healthy weight loss. Only that can be achieved WITH food, not without it.

I'm just sad it took losing a boy to realize this.

It feels like it's been weeks since I've written. I even deleted the blog temporarily because... I just wanted to be done with all of this.

But I'm still here everyone...

Expect updates.

I will be back in a few weeks. I'm not physically going anywhere, I'm just staying away from blogger. I've contemplated stopping my blog and forgetting about it, for certain reasons I don't want to talk about. But I just thought I'd let you all know that the idea was in my mind and that I'm taking a break for a little while. Sadly I won't be able to keep up with all your blogs, but I wish all of you luck and hope that everything you want is attained.

With love, from me.

PS. In case you were wondering about me, I am doing very well. I'm very happy and things only seem to be getting better for me. I'm not leaving on account of anything bad.

So I kind of have a thinspiration.
But I won't go into that.
:]

I will, however, go into my plan of new weight loss. Extremely and utterly unhealthy, but hey, this isn't the doctor's office here. My goal (and it will be reached this time, it has to) is to be 110 pounds before February 15th. President's week vacation. That gives me, what? Like a month? Sixteenish pounds in a month. Cake. No pun intended.

According to this weight loss calculator thing, I'm only allowed about 211 calories a day if I do decide to eat. Oh, and that's without exercise. Again, doable. But I will be exercising as well, so I'll probably take in about 500. With school, I won't have to eat. And if I MUST eat, I'll save those calories for dinner. Sounds like a lovely plan to me.

And while I'm excited about this, I'm still sick. I should not have attempted eating last night, because it only made me feel worse. Blah. Just another reason not to.

So I unexpectedly got sick Monday morning. At two fucking AM. And while it's not how I planned to start my fast, that's how it started. I had absolutely no appetite for the fact of.. well, throwing it all up. So all I have been living off of is ginger ale. I can't seem to keep water down, which makes no sense to me, since this ginger ale hasn't cause any nausea. But regardless, I'm sick and home, and unhappy. Blah. At least I'll lose a few pounds.

I'd love to go back to sleep, but I slept for about 24 hours straight yesterday. So I'm finding it hard to sleep again. I guess I'll catch up on some blogs and try and ignore this pounding headache.

Fasting until I feel hunger.
Fuck everyone and everything else.
Happy New Year. :]

I don't know what I'm waiting for.
First time I've cried since... that day.

I wish my life was more like a romance movie. Where everything seems to end up okay in the end. Where romance actually exists in everyone, and love just seems more like a dream. Where sex is portrayed as a steamy, passionate moment. Where a first kiss seems like it could stop the world. But that's only in movies.

And never in my life have I ever experienced a moment where the person you want most just arrives at your door unexpectedly, greets you with the most passionate, apologetic kiss, and makes your heart melt.

That's only in movies.

... or it might help if I didn't live in the middle of fucking no where.

I just made myself laugh.