To make you happy...

two cups of spicy spinach - 200
two oranges - 120
chocolate(unsweetened cocoa)covered strawberries - 100
apple - 80
tortilla chips and salsa - 250
two mallo cups - 120
four peppermints - 75
two starburts(I decided more wasn't worth the calories... I need to give them away) - 20

Exercise:
Elliptical - 150

Total: 815

Felt like a binge.
And wasn't vegan.
Hey, it wasn't technically new years when I ate the shit.
fml.

So, I decided to break my fast tonight.
Honestly, I don't think I could binge even if I wanted to.
I just had a cup of spicy spinach, ONE cup, and I am beyond stuffed.
The kind of stuffed that makes you want to go lay on the couch for an hour to let it all digest.
So that's just what I'm going to do.
:]

Morning of Day 6.

"I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark. I'm spun out so far; You stop, I start. But I'll be true to you."


Good morning everyone. Or afternoon, rather. Or maybe even good night, depending on where you are. I'm in a fairly indifferent mood this morning. Not ecstatic, but I wouldn't say it's a bad mood. Today is day six of the fast. I stepped on the scale, finally.

It was 126 on the dot.

It wasn't exactly the number I was looking for. I was hoping for at least 124. But I went through that stage where I put on boyfriend weight. So I'm pretty positive I've lost a good ten pounds now. I can't be disappointed for that. Today is the last day of the fast, I'm thinking. I'd love to go longer, but I promised mom that after new years... it was time to eat. I think I'm done with fasting for a while. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of this week, but it's very hard and suspicious trying to avoid food. You have to cancel outings, ignore food in the fridge, and say no to any particular thing that involves food because you don't want to look like the idiot sitting there sipping some water while everyone else gorges.

Although I will say that I experiencd some health and mental changes during this fast. Probably due to it's length. I haven't craved a single bit of sugar since day two. Honestly, I'm dying to break the fast with a bowl of broccoli and spinach and maybe a little garlic powder sprinkled on top. I feel healthier. I sleep less, but wake up even more refreshed. My skin has pretty much cleared up more than it ever has. I don't wake up feeling like I just showered in a tub of grease. I have better concentration, and I'm able to focus and remember things. Over all it was a great experience, but it's time to take a break. I feel disciplined, and definitely feel like I've learned something from this long fast. I never thought I could do it, but I did.

And the hardest challenge of all is breaking the fast and not binging. But I know I can do it, and I will. And once back to my vegan diet, the numbers will keep getting smaller.

Wish me luck, and happy new years eve everyone.

Is it just me, or does anyone else ever wonder what would be like if things in the past didn't happen? If people didn't leave or people didn't come. If you never changed your beliefs or you never really experienced anything. Sometimes I wish I could go back, put things on replay, make them work and then see where life goes. I'm sure we all have our regrets, all the way back to the day we could actually feel regret for something. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past... but we all do it. We reminisce and we imagine... Sometimes it makes dealing with the present a little less stressful.

Sometimes, I wish I could go as far back as childhood. Control what my mother put into my mouth... control the way I ate. What would life be like if I had never been over weight? If I never had to deal with this ED? Some how I think I'd be a little happier.

And then, to more recent times, but still not very recent. What if I was still in love with my first boy? First kiss.. first a lot of things, actually. Neither of us ever wanted to leave, but life sometimes takes two people by the collar and sends them in separate directions. It's sad. But now we've both moved on, only with the memory of what we both gave each other. It's still a cherishable memory, but what if it wasn't just a memory? I always wonder.

I think being an idealist... I picture the world happy. I picture things to always work out, and I dream of happiness. I have this idea in my head that everyone should be happy, no matter who they are. And when I experience anything less, when I experience fighting and distrust, anger and sadness... It in a way, makes me feel bad. Even if it's not me that's going through it. Life shouldn't be made of grudges or what's happened in the past. All the while we dwell in the past, wondering what would happen if we did something differently... But where will that get us in the future? What we really need is to focus on the goodness of the present.

I can't help but think that staying angry at someone forever is foolish. Telling others how angry they made you.. all the cruel things about them that bothered you. That won't get you anything else except negative feelings. Sometimes, it takes a bigger person. Someone to say, "Hey, I'm sorry for what I did. But we can't stay mad forever." That would be really nice. But you never see it happen. I like to try and be that person, but I think people take advantage of that.

I'm always the first to say I'm sorry, regardless.
And I guess, if no one can relate to my rants... I suppose it's okay. I'm kind of writing for someone. Whether he knows it, or reads it anymore or not, I am. But dwelling on the past would make me sound so very hypocritical, that I'm going to pretend that there's nothing left to dwell on. I already did my part.

Day five.

Day five of the fast. How could anything be better? :]

Off to the mall with the little brother and his friend.
Fuckin' adoooorable friend, might I add.
I'm not in the mood for a long post, so I'll see you all later.

Just a heads up. I started a second blog for my new years resolution. I mean, after new years, I plan on ACTUALLY eating. But I'm returning to a strict vegan diet for my health. So as a way to enjoy my meals, the other half of my resolution is to learn how to cook for myself and my family(and anyone else who'd like to come over for dinner ;]). So, take a look, maybe even follow.

http://veganrecipegirl.blogspot.com/

By no means does this new blog mean I'm quitting this one. I'm still going to be around, posting like usual. But go take a look at the new one. When new years comes around, I'll be posting the recipes to my nightly experimental dinners.

I guess until I find something else to keep me busy, my nose will be buried in a cookbook for a while. :]

Day Four.

Hello everyone.

I hope everyone had a really great holiday. I wasn't able to post much over these past few days. Unfortunately, I ended up eating, but it's a bit hard to get out of it when there are over a dozen people offering you food. But I started my fast on Saturday, after Christmas and today is Tuesday, day four. I haven't got on the scale, so I have no idea how much I weigh. Somehow, I've managed to sit in this house with left over cookies, pie, and the likes, without having a single craving for any of it. I think I've just 'cookied' myself out. The fast is going pretty good, and I feel great. Not lethargic, no nausea, nothing. So I plan on keeping it up until the new years. I told mom about it. She said as long as I'm feeling okay, she won't say a word. But the second I don't feel good, she's feeding me. Fair enough.

I'm finding myself really happy with the subtle changes in the mirror, even if they are subtle. I'm curious how much I weigh, but I'll wait because if I weigh myself and it's bad, I'll want to eat. And if I weigh myself and it's good... I'll want to eat. Hahah. So I'll wait. I'm finding myself to be just over all happier lately. It's nice to not be bitched at all the time.

Oh, and I had a fabulous birthday as well. That was on the 27th, so I'm 17 now. It seems like such a big number, even though I don't feel any older.

Lastly, I see I have a few new followers. :] Boy, I've come a long way from the time I started my blog until now. I'll have to check up on the new stalkers and stalk them back. Hahahah.

Happy Holidays, pretties.

Group Fast: Day One

I had a fabulous fast day and just an over all day.

Today, I got my license and that was definitely a huge mood lifter. Although I didn't get to drive till later, so I worked out, cleaned and took a short nap.

Later, when I went out, I met my grandma for dinner at Tim Horton's. Don't worry, I didn't eat anything. She looked at me a little funny when I only got a water, but she didn't push food on me. While I wasn't expecting anything good to come out of it, there definitely was. :] Buuut, I won't go into that. Ahahahah.

So now I'm home. The house is full of cookies and I think I just have myself convinced that I don't feel good, so I haven't eaten any. Yay me.

You said I have disappointed you.

But honestly...
When were you proud?

I changed for you,
and it was in vain.

So here I am, returning to old ways.
Kind of like you did.
The only difference?
I supported you.

I'm sorry, if that's a disappointment.

I know I've posted a lot today, and my mood has just been all over. Talking to people hasn't really seemed to help me feel better, and my mood just kind of plummeted again a few minutes ago. I'm single. Not that it's any surprise, I saw it coming a while ago. But it's for the better... that's what everyone tells me. They say I deserve someone who's going to treat me right. Someone who's proud of me, someone who would give the world to see me smile and someone who only has eyes for me. I'm not sure I've ever had a guy like that before. Is it even possible?

I can't help but feel like he pushed and pushed me, because he wanted me to break up. He's free to do whatever he wants now.. And honestly, I hope he's enjoying himself. Really, no sarcasm there. I just wish that I was. Maybe this fast will give me some confidence to go out and be happy myself. He's not around anymore... so there's really no reason to eat. I just have no closure. Friday night was such an enjoyable evening with him and by Sunday, we were practically over. Everything happens for a reason I supposed, but that doesn't make coping any easier. And when things feel like they're going good and then just suddenly fail... it's a bit of a shock.

Ever since I was little.. I always had this idea of what I wanted in a relationship. I'd watch in envy, my little 8 year old self, as teenagers walked the mall together, hugged and kissed. I once told my mom that I hated teenagers. When she asked why, my response was, "They're happy." She laughed, in complete oblivion of how I felt, and said "Well honey, you'll be one someday!"

That's so depressing... More depressing that I remember that moment of my life.

I told my self every day that when I grew up to be a teenager, I'd be just as happy. That everything would just kind of fall into place and my life would flip around for the better. I guess in a way, it did. I lost a lot of weight and I'd say I'm mildly appealing to look at. I'm no super model... hell, I wouldn't even say I'm pretty. I guess I'm just average. But things have changed. I was happy for a while.

I lost myself where the happiness ended. This year seems like it's one of the roughest of my life and sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. It's a really suicidal thought, but sleep has always been something I enjoy... I'm not going to go and shoot myself or do anything to that extreme, but sometimes I just don't think I'm myself. I miss how I was when I was a child. I mean, I don't remember. But looking back at photos, I had the biggest smile that you'd ever find on a child. You grow up, and change a lot, but do you ever look back and wonder where that little girl went? The one you used to be? I know I do. I want to be able to smile, for real, every day. I feel like I always have to force one out. And the few things in my life that make me smile aren't here. Someone to love, my father, and my best friends (who all live rather far away).

My mom talked about how she said that she probably could have managed to stay with my father. That she even missed him sometimes. "Your daddy was a good man.. he just wasn't there when we needed him." I honestly wanted to cry at that moment. My parents splitting up never really effected me until I moved to live with my father last year, and left my mom behind. Then I realized how much I needed both of them. And now that I'm back with mom, I find myself missing my dad and wishing that my parents were still together.

Does life ever get easier? It seems like there's always a problem in life. And when things seem like they get better, they're really not. It's just a calm before the storm, honestly. I'm in such a rush to grow up, because I hope that being older will make me happier than I am now. Settling down seriously, experiencing real love. Maybe even having kids, a family. Being closer with my family, and my brothers. I don't know. It seems like happiness is so far away.

But I'm the type of girl who chases happiness. When I find it, I hold on to it, and if it tries to leave... I'm right behind it. So I guess, when you feel like you're in love over a silly boy in high school... it seems like a big deal. And it is a big deal, at the time. I'll slowly recover. As much as I don't want to admit it right now, there's more that you'll do with your life than fall in "love" at this age. I just don't know it yet.

Give me time.

GROUP FAST: Listen up and join in!

All right. Enough fucking moping around. It's time to do something that will make me happy. I'm craving a competition. A group fast. A fast that will go through Christmas, all the way until the New Year. A fast that will make us skip those holiday sorrows of binging on cookies and food because... we won't be eating it. :] Who is with me?

December 23rd - January 1st.

Rules:

1. Communication is key! Leave a comment here letting us know you'll be participating. Update your blog daily with how you're doing, we all want to hear and support you. I'll add everyone to a list on my sidebar, who is participating.
Edit: As much as you possibly can! I understand it's the holidays and that means we are busy. But we'd still like to hear from you.

2. The fast may consist of any liquid beverage. Coffee, tea, water, whatever works for you. Personally, I'm going to stick to water. Tends to work the best.

3. Have fun. :] And don't give in to those holiday cravings!

I'm unhappy.
I can't eat.
Eating makes me vomit.
Literally.
Involuntarily.

I wish someone gave a fuck.

The world is a tricky place. A place that's always weighing something heavy on your shoulders. But the best thing about it's weight, is that, the longer you hold it up, the stronger you get. And the stronger you get, the more weight you can hold.

Keep that chin high girl, the load ain't getting any lighter.

Even with so much time on my hands, I find it really hard to muster up any sort of motivation to write anything. I have so much to say, yet, I don't feel I should blog them. I know blogging would help, but my posts seem to just get fewer and fewer.

I've been considering counseling. Mostly for depression, I think. Although, my mood swings and thoughts were fine until I went back on birth control, which caused problems like this is the past. So I have plans of going off of it again for a while and see how things go. I want to be a better, happier, more energetic person for everyone. And I'm really tired of feeling bad for myself over nothing. It's just not worth it to be sad. I don't have anything to be sad over. I mean, sure, I have problems like everyone else. My family can be kind of disfunctional at times. I get upset over people and things and that's normal, everyone does. But I have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing boyfriend, who would do anything in the world for me. I have good friends, and even though we don't spend as much time together as we used to do, I know I'm still important to all of them. I have my pets, my kitten and my puppy, both of which make me smile (and piss me off hahah) on a daily basis. And even though I'm not happy with my weight right now, I have still changed my life so much. Over the course of two and a half years I have lost 60 pounds. That is a feat in itself that anyone would be proud of, and would be crazy not to be.

So, one more week of the birth control and I'm done with it. If my depression doesn't get better, then I'm going to talk to my mom about counseling. I think it would really help.

Oh, and my new years resolution? I don't think I've mentioned it. No more fasting. No more binging. I'm going to start eating healthily, and exercising. And, I don't think I've said the word fat in over a week and a half. Damn.

Some times it's really hard to feel good enough. As of late, with my eating, I've been quite disappointed in myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm fabulous at hiding it. The fact that I've gained weight and the fact that I'm miserable about it. I'm sure people can see it, anyway. I haven't posted a blog about weight loss in quite a while but I feel like I need to. I'm trying really hard to make my boyfriend happy with me, but I think it's making me hate myself. My progress is being pushed farther and farther away. Eating? What am I doing? It's not just normal eating. It's crazy eating, every day. I eat things, just because they're there. I know I'm not hungry, but I do it anyway. And it's garbage food. I may as well just not eat, because either way, I'm getting about the same amount of nutrients. None.

I've adapted the idea that food is something to do, something to keep me busy.
What am I doing?

I need someone to shove the word fat in my face. I need motivation.

I haven't really had a worthwhile post in a couple days. But I've still been checking up on all your blogs. I'm just not sure what to really blog about anymore. It's somewhat sad, that aside from my eating disorder, my life is pretty uneventful to the point that I don't have anything else to talk about. There's my boyfriend, but I'm not sure you all want to hear about him all the time.

I think humans burden themselves with problems, just so that they can feel. Fight, just to draw anger. Complain, just to remind yourself of all the annoying things that bother you in life. Involve yourself in something upsetting, just to draw some tears so that you know you aren't some sort of heartless robot. When there is no emotion, we crave emotion. But when there is too much, we are still unsatisfied.

Perhaps it's just that humans are naturally needy beings. We are selfish, never content with our lives. And when things become like a fairytale, we must ruin it, to feel real again. Happiness seems too surreal, and we just don't feel like it makes sense.

God forbid, happiness isn't enough of an emotion to keep us smiling, apparently.

I wish I could read minds.

My friend asked how I was doing today.
"I've eaten almost every day for two weeks."
"Good!" was all she said.
"I'm proud. I hate it more than anything... but I'm proud."
I think she sensed my feelings of conflict.

I'm not sure if I even mentioned it in the blog yet or not, but a couple nights ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. It was devastating, even if it's only been a couple months that we've been together. But, last night, I ended up at the house next door to his, babysitting a couple kids with my friend. He texted me, asked me to come outside and we talked.

He told me he needed time.

Now from experiences in my past, that's not something you want to hear. Ever. Usually, it means he wants time with other chicks. And for a while, my friend had me convinced even more so in that belief. But regardless of what my friend and mom were both saying about the situation... I kept a little faith in the back of my heart.

After standing outside, hugging, and talking for a little while, I was beckoned inside for some dinner that my friend made. I wasn't really hungry, but, I left. Mostly because I was cold, and the scene itself was just depressing. Although I must say, the huge falling snow flakes that scattered themselves all over us really did make the situation romantic - regardless of the fact that it was more depressing than a funeral. He asked me to text him, just before I left.

So I did.

It was maybe.. an hour or so later, I got another text. "Come outside." Again? I wasn't expecting much. I was actually kind of sad, because I didn't want to just be told the same thing again - to give him time. So I reluctantly made my way outside again into the falling snow. I saw him heading up the drive way, rushing almost. Before I could even speak, he was right in front of me with a tight arm around my waist and pressed his lips into mine. It was the most passionate kiss I think anyone has ever given me. My insides melted, regardless of how freezing it was.

The whole night I somewhat felt like he was just messing with my feelings. I mean, it's hard to tell what a person is thinking over text messages. So I asked, "I hope you didn't kiss me like that... just to tell me you still need time." He smiled, and shook his head. "No, it was me telling you I want you back." What'd I do? I smiled and hugged him. We smiled, we kissed, we laughed, and we were happy again. I still can't say I'm entirely sure why we broke up - aside from the ED - but I think it's better that I don't. I don't really want to know. I'm just glad to be back with him, and he seems happy again. Happy like he was when we met.

As long as he is happy, I'm happy.

I owe a lot of thanks to an old friend. And I'm glad I let myself open up to her. I learned a lot, and I'm glad I took the time to listen tonight. :]

I have a good feeling about the week now. I'm going to school with a smile.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I know I said I wasn't going to blog. I'll correct myself. I'm going to take a break about blogging about the eating thing. I'm done. I'm going to eat normal, no matter what it means. But right now, I'm blogging for closure.

I just need to vent. It's been a stressful weekend. Everything has just been really confusing, unsettling and upsetting. I don't know how to deal with anything without having someone to comfort me. And I don't really have anyone.

I don't know, now that I started typing, if I even really want to talk about anything. Ugh. I'm just so messed up.

My heart hurts again. I blame the ED. And to those of you who suffer from this too, do yourselves a favor; Don't tell anyone. It will come back to bite you in the ass later. No matter how much someone says they'll support you, in the end... They won't.

So it's all over now. I'm going to do whatever it takes to give it up, I guess. If it makes him happy. It'll probably be better for me too... I hope. I'd smile a little more if he was here though.

I can't blog anymore.

Not for a while, at least. Maybe some day you'll hear from me.
For now, good bye.

8:25 am.

"That is why, when an anorexic gets too thin, they get sick. Because the body uses up all its preferred resources - fat and glucose - and eventually turns to protein for fuel. But protein is not a preferred fuel by the body, therefor, is not significantly used until all other sources of fat is gone."

My biology teacher.
She makes references to anorexia all the time.
And she is one of the fattest ladies I know.
This quote made me smile.
Only more proof that fasting is not harmful to the body until all fat storage is gone.

I want to fast, bad.

I guess, in a way, I'm rather lucky when it comes to food. On my binge days, I can take down 5000 calories no problem. I eat like a three hundred pound person, and honestly, it really disgusts me. But the thing about that is, my self control - once I know I'm gaining weight - is so great that I can drop all the weight I've gained in a matter of a week, in only three or so days. The joys of fasting. I haven't fasted for more than two days in about a week or so, but it feels needed. I haven't really eaten a lot, but I guess compared to 5000 calories daily, 1500-2000 doesn't feel like a lot. But I know it is. I haven't stepped on the scale though. I'm trying this new thing, where I don't. The only thing I fear is, gaining weight and not knowing it. Then getting on the scale a few weeks later and bursting into sobs because I'm ten pounds heavier. And that's a pain in the ass to work out. I fucking hate it. I really need some sort of hobby or something, to keep me busy at night. All through out the day, I survive on about 300 calories no problem. But as soon as my mom brings home cookies or makes a huge pasta dinner... I'm fucked. I can't seem to refuse any of it, even when I know that I don't want it. Half the time I always feel like shit after eating it. No, I take that back, I ALWAYS feel like shit after eating it. So why do I?

I'm waiting or next week to start. I'm patiently anticipating another fast. My boyfriend openly told me I had an addiction to it. Yes, I know. Hence, anorexia, babycakes. I miss my flat tummy. It's really depressing when I have to go to school feeling like a bloated, pregnant lady. That's what it feels like, after a binge. I don't even want to talk about it, because the thought of it is making me want to fast tomorrow. Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm the only one who sees the fluctuation in my weight. Every day, my boyfriend touches my hips and my stomach and tells me how little I am. Why can't I see it? This morning, my mom did a double take and asked if I've lost more weight. No. I haven't. Why can't I see it? All I see is fat. Always fat. Never skinny.

When will I see skinny?

On a brighter note, I'm really glad to see all my new followers! If I haven't checked up on those who are new followers, don't worry, I'll leave a comment on your blog and start following as well. I'm pretty good at keeping up with everyone - somehow, because I follow a ton of people! - so just give me a chance to get to all of your blogs. :] It's so cool to have so many followers when I haven't even been at this blog very long.

Also, I decided adding a little checklist to my daily blog posts will help me get things done. At least, they might inspire me to get them done just so that I can say that I did them on my blog and feel proud about it. So, stay tuned in the following posts for little checklists at the end of each rant. Hoorah. But not tonight's post, because today I was a failure. Even bigger horrah.

fml. Bed time.

So today, I finally spent the day after school with my boyfriend. It's only been three days, yet somehow it always seems like eternity if we don't see eachother daily. It's clingy, but hey, I really love being with him. Even though he slept most of the afternoon - lack of sleep the night before - he still made up for it later in the evening. :]

So like I said, I'm trying to get better, on my own. Well, I shouldn't say on my own. My boyfriend is sort of playing the role of a parent - telling me what I can and can't do. I guess in a way that's good, because if I didn't make promises to him, I wouldn't keep promises to myself. He originally planned to only let me fast twice a week, no more, in hopes that starting out slowly eliminating days would help break my habit. But after begging him for one more fast day, he agreed, but only if I fasted one day only next week. I agreed.

I fought a huge urge to binge today. Cookie dough. In the fridge. Fuck me, right? It was there, I knew it was there, I even paced the kitchen for about three minutes having a mental argument. Eventually I walked out of the kitchen and to my room, and got on here to distract myself. I am proud, and I know as soon as I get into bed, fast day two will be over and the start of three will creep up on me in the morning. Then after day three I'm done fasting until next week. I promised. I intend to keep it.

I haven't stepped on the scale. I'm sort of waiting until I'm done. Whenever I reach a certain weight that looks okay, I always end up binging. So I'm just going to stay away, assume I'm still fat, and that I need to avoid food. Hopefully that'll help my urges for food.

And as soon as I'm done fasting: STRICT protein diet. No sugar. No carbs. I am going to indulge in meat and veggies until Christmas. Hopefully by then, I'll be 110.

Maybe?