I guess, in a way, I'm rather lucky when it comes to food. On my binge days, I can take down 5000 calories no problem. I eat like a three hundred pound person, and honestly, it really disgusts me. But the thing about that is, my self control - once I know I'm gaining weight - is so great that I can drop all the weight I've gained in a matter of a week, in only three or so days. The joys of fasting. I haven't fasted for more than two days in about a week or so, but it feels needed. I haven't really eaten a lot, but I guess compared to 5000 calories daily, 1500-2000 doesn't feel like a lot. But I know it is. I haven't stepped on the scale though. I'm trying this new thing, where I don't. The only thing I fear is, gaining weight and not knowing it. Then getting on the scale a few weeks later and bursting into sobs because I'm ten pounds heavier. And that's a pain in the ass to work out. I fucking hate it. I really need some sort of hobby or something, to keep me busy at night. All through out the day, I survive on about 300 calories no problem. But as soon as my mom brings home cookies or makes a huge pasta dinner... I'm fucked. I can't seem to refuse any of it, even when I know that I don't want it. Half the time I always feel like shit after eating it. No, I take that back, I ALWAYS feel like shit after eating it. So why do I?

I'm waiting or next week to start. I'm patiently anticipating another fast. My boyfriend openly told me I had an addiction to it. Yes, I know. Hence, anorexia, babycakes. I miss my flat tummy. It's really depressing when I have to go to school feeling like a bloated, pregnant lady. That's what it feels like, after a binge. I don't even want to talk about it, because the thought of it is making me want to fast tomorrow. Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm the only one who sees the fluctuation in my weight. Every day, my boyfriend touches my hips and my stomach and tells me how little I am. Why can't I see it? This morning, my mom did a double take and asked if I've lost more weight. No. I haven't. Why can't I see it? All I see is fat. Always fat. Never skinny.

When will I see skinny?

On a brighter note, I'm really glad to see all my new followers! If I haven't checked up on those who are new followers, don't worry, I'll leave a comment on your blog and start following as well. I'm pretty good at keeping up with everyone - somehow, because I follow a ton of people! - so just give me a chance to get to all of your blogs. :] It's so cool to have so many followers when I haven't even been at this blog very long.

Also, I decided adding a little checklist to my daily blog posts will help me get things done. At least, they might inspire me to get them done just so that I can say that I did them on my blog and feel proud about it. So, stay tuned in the following posts for little checklists at the end of each rant. Hoorah. But not tonight's post, because today I was a failure. Even bigger horrah.

fml. Bed time.