I know I've posted a lot today, and my mood has just been all over. Talking to people hasn't really seemed to help me feel better, and my mood just kind of plummeted again a few minutes ago. I'm single. Not that it's any surprise, I saw it coming a while ago. But it's for the better... that's what everyone tells me. They say I deserve someone who's going to treat me right. Someone who's proud of me, someone who would give the world to see me smile and someone who only has eyes for me. I'm not sure I've ever had a guy like that before. Is it even possible?

I can't help but feel like he pushed and pushed me, because he wanted me to break up. He's free to do whatever he wants now.. And honestly, I hope he's enjoying himself. Really, no sarcasm there. I just wish that I was. Maybe this fast will give me some confidence to go out and be happy myself. He's not around anymore... so there's really no reason to eat. I just have no closure. Friday night was such an enjoyable evening with him and by Sunday, we were practically over. Everything happens for a reason I supposed, but that doesn't make coping any easier. And when things feel like they're going good and then just suddenly fail... it's a bit of a shock.

Ever since I was little.. I always had this idea of what I wanted in a relationship. I'd watch in envy, my little 8 year old self, as teenagers walked the mall together, hugged and kissed. I once told my mom that I hated teenagers. When she asked why, my response was, "They're happy." She laughed, in complete oblivion of how I felt, and said "Well honey, you'll be one someday!"

That's so depressing... More depressing that I remember that moment of my life.

I told my self every day that when I grew up to be a teenager, I'd be just as happy. That everything would just kind of fall into place and my life would flip around for the better. I guess in a way, it did. I lost a lot of weight and I'd say I'm mildly appealing to look at. I'm no super model... hell, I wouldn't even say I'm pretty. I guess I'm just average. But things have changed. I was happy for a while.

I lost myself where the happiness ended. This year seems like it's one of the roughest of my life and sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. It's a really suicidal thought, but sleep has always been something I enjoy... I'm not going to go and shoot myself or do anything to that extreme, but sometimes I just don't think I'm myself. I miss how I was when I was a child. I mean, I don't remember. But looking back at photos, I had the biggest smile that you'd ever find on a child. You grow up, and change a lot, but do you ever look back and wonder where that little girl went? The one you used to be? I know I do. I want to be able to smile, for real, every day. I feel like I always have to force one out. And the few things in my life that make me smile aren't here. Someone to love, my father, and my best friends (who all live rather far away).

My mom talked about how she said that she probably could have managed to stay with my father. That she even missed him sometimes. "Your daddy was a good man.. he just wasn't there when we needed him." I honestly wanted to cry at that moment. My parents splitting up never really effected me until I moved to live with my father last year, and left my mom behind. Then I realized how much I needed both of them. And now that I'm back with mom, I find myself missing my dad and wishing that my parents were still together.

Does life ever get easier? It seems like there's always a problem in life. And when things seem like they get better, they're really not. It's just a calm before the storm, honestly. I'm in such a rush to grow up, because I hope that being older will make me happier than I am now. Settling down seriously, experiencing real love. Maybe even having kids, a family. Being closer with my family, and my brothers. I don't know. It seems like happiness is so far away.

But I'm the type of girl who chases happiness. When I find it, I hold on to it, and if it tries to leave... I'm right behind it. So I guess, when you feel like you're in love over a silly boy in high school... it seems like a big deal. And it is a big deal, at the time. I'll slowly recover. As much as I don't want to admit it right now, there's more that you'll do with your life than fall in "love" at this age. I just don't know it yet.

Give me time.