Is it just me, or does anyone else ever wonder what would be like if things in the past didn't happen? If people didn't leave or people didn't come. If you never changed your beliefs or you never really experienced anything. Sometimes I wish I could go back, put things on replay, make them work and then see where life goes. I'm sure we all have our regrets, all the way back to the day we could actually feel regret for something. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past... but we all do it. We reminisce and we imagine... Sometimes it makes dealing with the present a little less stressful.
Sometimes, I wish I could go as far back as childhood. Control what my mother put into my mouth... control the way I ate. What would life be like if I had never been over weight? If I never had to deal with this ED? Some how I think I'd be a little happier.
And then, to more recent times, but still not very recent. What if I was still in love with my first boy? First kiss.. first a lot of things, actually. Neither of us ever wanted to leave, but life sometimes takes two people by the collar and sends them in separate directions. It's sad. But now we've both moved on, only with the memory of what we both gave each other. It's still a cherishable memory, but what if it wasn't just a memory? I always wonder.
I think being an idealist... I picture the world happy. I picture things to always work out, and I dream of happiness. I have this idea in my head that everyone should be happy, no matter who they are. And when I experience anything less, when I experience fighting and distrust, anger and sadness... It in a way, makes me feel bad. Even if it's not me that's going through it. Life shouldn't be made of grudges or what's happened in the past. All the while we dwell in the past, wondering what would happen if we did something differently... But where will that get us in the future? What we really need is to focus on the goodness of the present.
I can't help but think that staying angry at someone forever is foolish. Telling others how angry they made you.. all the cruel things about them that bothered you. That won't get you anything else except negative feelings. Sometimes, it takes a bigger person. Someone to say, "Hey, I'm sorry for what I did. But we can't stay mad forever." That would be really nice. But you never see it happen. I like to try and be that person, but I think people take advantage of that.
I'm always the first to say I'm sorry, regardless.
And I guess, if no one can relate to my rants... I suppose it's okay. I'm kind of writing for someone. Whether he knows it, or reads it anymore or not, I am. But dwelling on the past would make me sound so very hypocritical, that I'm going to pretend that there's nothing left to dwell on. I already did my part.
Sometimes, I wish I could go as far back as childhood. Control what my mother put into my mouth... control the way I ate. What would life be like if I had never been over weight? If I never had to deal with this ED? Some how I think I'd be a little happier.
And then, to more recent times, but still not very recent. What if I was still in love with my first boy? First kiss.. first a lot of things, actually. Neither of us ever wanted to leave, but life sometimes takes two people by the collar and sends them in separate directions. It's sad. But now we've both moved on, only with the memory of what we both gave each other. It's still a cherishable memory, but what if it wasn't just a memory? I always wonder.
I think being an idealist... I picture the world happy. I picture things to always work out, and I dream of happiness. I have this idea in my head that everyone should be happy, no matter who they are. And when I experience anything less, when I experience fighting and distrust, anger and sadness... It in a way, makes me feel bad. Even if it's not me that's going through it. Life shouldn't be made of grudges or what's happened in the past. All the while we dwell in the past, wondering what would happen if we did something differently... But where will that get us in the future? What we really need is to focus on the goodness of the present.
I can't help but think that staying angry at someone forever is foolish. Telling others how angry they made you.. all the cruel things about them that bothered you. That won't get you anything else except negative feelings. Sometimes, it takes a bigger person. Someone to say, "Hey, I'm sorry for what I did. But we can't stay mad forever." That would be really nice. But you never see it happen. I like to try and be that person, but I think people take advantage of that.
I'm always the first to say I'm sorry, regardless.
And I guess, if no one can relate to my rants... I suppose it's okay. I'm kind of writing for someone. Whether he knows it, or reads it anymore or not, I am. But dwelling on the past would make me sound so very hypocritical, that I'm going to pretend that there's nothing left to dwell on. I already did my part.
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