Ugh.

Sometimes I just don't want to eat, out of spite for something.
For days. Weeks.

Anyone else get like this?

I hate contradicting myself. Because if there was no consequence, no lectures, no anger or worry, I would starve myself to nothing.

But I'm trying not to.
I'm trying to make the rest of the fucking world happy with me.
God damn, I'm not going to like this change in habit.
I already feel it.

So I've done some thinking. With the elyptical here (though not set up), I won't feel so guilty about eating. I can exercise, and eat, and still lose weight. And with making a promise to my boyfriend that I wouldn't fast for more than two days at a time, I'm going to be doing just that... fasting only two days out the week, and eating normally the rest. Normally as in... 1200-1500 calories. I know, it sounds disgusting, but I'm really trying to fix my problem. For me, so I don't have to watch my hair start to fall out or my nails crack from lack of nutrients. For my boyfriend and my family and my friends, so they don't have to worry about me anymore.

I want to start to enjoy life, not let food control it.

I know fasting still won't help. But this is a process that's going to take time. I'll start slow, until I'm completely back on a healthy track. For now, I'm going to keep fasting but try to keep it to a minimum. And maybe, if I'm successful, I can be somewhat of an inspiration for others to try and help themselves, while still being thin just like we all want. :]

So here's to a hopefully healthy week. Tomorrow and Tuesday will be a fast, the rest of the week will be filled with eating. I cringe at the thought of it, but I'll try and get used to it.

For you, baby.

The problem with suffering with a binge eating disorder and anorexia is that you maintain your weight. It's very discouraging. And while you might say, "Maintain? That's great! You aren't gaining."

Wrong.

I feel so unhealthy. Like, I get random chest pains. My stomach always hurts. I feel nauseous just about every day unless I don't eat. I need to learn to eat regularly. Like my friend said today, in order for one problem to get better, I'll have to cancel out the other. Which means no more binging and no more restricting. My binging is probably a result of the fasting, which is why I'd have to stop fasting. But I'm so accustomed to fasting now that I just don't want to stop. I feel great when I do it; So little, with a flat stomach. Nothing else gives me the same feeling. And nothing else is as efficient. Healthy weight loss is so discouraging. I just can't seem to find motivation is losing half a fucking pound a week. Am I alone there? I just think that's so ridiculously slow. Maybe I just need to work out more, and harder.

God damn I just want to fast for days. Thanksgiving has made me feel disgustingly gluttonous. My boyfriend so badly doesn't want me to do it anymore. :\

Fuck.

I'm trying really hard to make this better. I know it's killing me. My spurts of not eating, and then eating far too much is putting a lot of stress on my body and my emotions. If I don't stop, I don't even know what's going to happen.

I feel like I should go vomit...

My heart hurts.

Sometimes I wonder where my life is going to go. I have this picture, in my head. It's a nice picture, happy, content, smiling... I know what I want. I just can't seem to get there. When I was younger, my goals were so set in stone. I was so strong. I believed in everything. I was naive, and innocent. Never a doubt in my mind; Anything was possible. When you grow up, life isn't always as perfect as your imagination can play it out to be. Things go wrong and the word perfection disappears from vocabulary all together. Suddenly you're alone and you have to make decisions and fend for yourself. When you need someone, they aren't there. Everything was so easy when you were young. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Regardless of how I looked, even. Maybe if I went back, I wouldn't have to deal with this disorder. I wouldn't have to deal with the judgement of people. I wouldn't have to lie. Those who knew wouldn't have to cringe at the mention of it because... it just wouldn't exist.

Who ever it was that said telling someone would be a bust... was right. I'm going to lose my boyfriend. I know it. I'm such a wreck tonight, and of all nights that I need him, I'm not with him. He's probably reading this, too, hating my problem even more. The only one who hasn't been terribly upsetting about it is my best friend. I know she cares, and thank god she's never going anywhere. I owe her so much more than I give her.

I can't help it.

I'm so unbelievably scared. I want life to be as simple as it was as a kid. I'd see what I want in my head and it would just happen. Scary monsters would go away if I just pulled the blankets over my head. Mean people would stop being jerks if I just ignored them. Best friends were loyal, and forever, so long as we made a pinkie promise. Scrapes on the knee could be fixed with a kiss and a band aid. But everything has become so severe, nothing seems innocent anymore. People are so negative and the world seems less and less happy every day. The eating disorder doesn't help. If I could fix it, I would. But I'm so afraid. And no one has the patience for me...

I guess, if things go wrong... I'll just have to hold my own, know my name, and go my own way.

So I think today I'm going to break my fast.
I know it's a day early, but I'll tell you why.

"I think you have an eating disorder."

I was mortified when those words came out of my mom's mouth this morning. I don't know what she's been reading on the internet, but something about anorexia must have come up when she searched about constant fasting and restrictions when it comes to eating. :P So I'm going to eat a little, to mask any sort of doubt that I might be lying about being "just fine" when it comes to eating. Still only going to have these drink mixes, and no solid food yet. But it'll keep her content at least. I'm just sad that I probably won't hit 124 tomorrow. I'm at 126 right now and I'm stoked. I already see a difference. I love feeling so tiny.

So, congrats to Anamarie for participating. I haven't heard from her in a couple days but if you read this before you finish your four days, I'd like to see how you're still doing! If not, then congrats so much on the four fasted days!

Watching overweight people eat is outrageously disturbing. It's not really something you notice unless you stop eating for a while, and pay attention to those around you that still are. They indulge so much in the food, as if it's something that only get temporarily. Clearly by their weight, you know that's not the case. They take large bites and eat rather fast (or sometimes you have those really huge people who eat really slow. I haven't figured out if it's because their arm weighs so much that it's just too hard to move quickly, or if they're savoring every bite because they'll be hungry in an hour again) and usually their helpings involve one or more EXTRA servings. Then later, they complain their gaining weight. Gee, really? Most claim "I only eat a little bit, I really don't eat that much, but I don't understand why I'm putting on the weight."

1. Either you eat like a fat cow and you just don't see it.
2. You eat the wrong foods, high calorie and unhealthy, which bulks up your calories to like... a million.
3. There is no such thing as the "See" food diet. If you see food, you CAN'T eat it if you want to lose weight.
4. In order for a diet to work, you have to stick to it for more than a day, dumbasses.
5. Don't talk about how you lost weight on a diet if you put it all back on by eating shit again. You just fail.

Wow, that was bitchy. Sorry, but it's been bothering me forever. I HATE people like this.
Fast day 3, regardless. Off to school I go.

Day one went fabulously. Quick and painless. And hungerless.

So I'm pretty happy it's day two. Although day two never holds much weightloss, I'm still glad day one is over with. I got on the scale and was 130 on the dot (I'm not surprised with my two days of binges prior to the fast. Ugh). But I usually lose about two pounds a day so I'm not too worried, having three more days to go. I should lose about 6 more pounds, I'm assuming. I can't wait to be below 125 again. And after the fast, no sugar. Even when I was eating all last week, but having no sugar, I kept losing weight. So I'm going to stick to that, and maintain my 120's weight. And it won't be hard, because I really didn't have much of an appetite at all eating veggies and meat. Oh yeah, meat.

No more vegetarian here. But no, I'm not going back to eating pounds and pounds of unhealthy red meat. I'm sticking to fish and chicken, the healthy stuff. And still, only in moderation. But just thought I'd let you all know, just so you're not like "WHAT?! MEAT?!" because yes, I'm eating it again.

My mom kinda makes me laugh. She asked if I was fasting yesterday. I didn't feel like lying, so I just said yes. She knows I get grumpy, so she was like "Okaaay! I'll leave you be then." Later, she comes back complaining about how I never tell her when I start my fast. When I asked why, she said "So I can fast tooo!". Oh mom.

So with day one out of the way, day two is in progress. :]
I'll post another if somethin' goes on today.

So far, the day has been completely in control. Aside from hunger pangs, which I'm used to ignoring, I haven't had a single craving for anything.

Thankfully, to keep me busy, I had my five hour course for driving this morning. I took it reluctantly (for a SECOND time because I took my first one when I lived in Jersey) but at least it kept me from food. Now I'm sitting here home alone, really desperately wanting to make up another batch of cookies... but I'm refraining. Tea in hand, I'm typing up a blog hoping that it'll keep my mind on words and not food. I was hoping to go to the boyfriend's after the five hour, but he's not answering his text messages. Not sure what he's up to but... it's probably sleeping. So I'll just wait a couple hours until my mom gets home and go driving. That keeps me from eating too. I can't wait till tomorrow morning when I actually start feeling completely empty. And checking off a completed fast day on the blog is just so motivational and satisfying.

Keep up the work!

As said in my previous blog, the four day group fast starts today. :] I'm excited. I'm totally stoked and have high spirits for this. Sippin' some delicious water right now, as I type.

Good luck to those who are participating (Looks like it's just Anamarie so far, and looking forward to more.).

EVEN if you read the post late, don't hesitate to join in for a shorter period of time anyway. We'd still be glad to have you, even if it's not the full four days.

So, I know I JUST posted. Not to get spammy, but I have more to say.

My mood just completely flipped around. Oh how I love reading other blogs. I don't know why, it's just really motivating. And, since starting the blog, I'd say I've made a few "friends" - followers, but saying friends makes me feel like we're closer hahah - and I thought maybe doing something "together" would be fun. Yeah?

A fast.

Let's do a fast up until the day before Thanksgiving. Who's up for it? I totally know that all of you are capable of doing it, and I think if it's something we're doing simultaneously, it'll be more likely to get done. I'd love to do a longer one, but come on - it'll be Thanksgiving. And there's no getting out of eating there. So here's the plan:

Start of the fast: November 21st.
End of the fast: November 25th, on Wednesday morning.

Rules:

• Only water, or natural tea. No diet sodas, nothing with fake sugar in it.
• We must communicate every day - post a blog about how it's going and we'll all check in. :]
• If you're going to participate, leave a comment so we CAN read your blogs.
• At the end of the fast, repost new comments on this same post with how much weight you lost and any other positive changes.
• No cheating! Well... I guess, even if you do, there's nothing we can do about it. This is a matter of getting a few people together and successfully completing a fast.
  

Let's do it girls!

(I hope everyone sees this before they wake up in the morning and eat! :o I'm the only loser her checks her blogger a million fucking times a day.)

So I've returned sooner than I had led you all to believe. I guess I'm lonely. Not physically. Physically I'm always with someone, always talking to someone, always having company.

I'm lonely when it comes to "this". My eating disorder.

I humored my boyfriend. I ate for a whole week straight. I managed to keep down my weight, and was slowly losing. Today I binged. How lovely. I'm not mad at myself, I'm really just indifferent. What the fuck right? I'll end up losing it one way or another, and this is no different than any other binge day. Who cares. I feel like binging isn't even worth it anymore. Food isn't satisfying. This is probably my last time now. It's getting to the point where I've had so much that I'm just done.

My boyfriend said he wasn't going to read the blog anymore. I don't know how true that is. I mean, I can't really stop him from reading. Whether he is or isn't... well, I don't even know what I had to say about that. He had a real problem with me fasting for the length of time I had planned last time so... I'm not really sure what to do about fasting. I want to do it. I almost kind of miss it. I don't feel like myself. I guess all I can do is say fuck it and do what I want. I love him, but I'm not changing for anyone unless it's myself. That's how it's always been. Sorry baby, if you're still reading. I know you're worried, but... Baby, this is me. I know how to take care of myself. I'll be fine.

So I'm starting another fast. This one will be strict. And after it's over, it's back to spinach and tuna. I actually felt really good all week, with that being pretty much my entire menu. But I feel like I need to fast before I return to food. I must be punished for my gluttony.

Good night, lovelies.

Just a heads up to those who are reading:

I'm not going to be a blogging for a couple days. Maybe about a week. I need some time to get my habits straight and get back on track. I don't feel like I deserve to post on my blog. Don't worry though, I'll still be staying updated with everyone else's and I'll continue to leave you all comments and support. Don't worry about me. :]

Talk to you all soon.

So today was a rather good day. I controlled my food intake. I didn't really feel too hungry today. This morning I ate purely for the fact of getting something into my stomach. It felt like I still ate a lot today, but my calories managed to stay below 1000.

Breakfast: 25 total
broccoli - 25

Lunch: 190 total
A hand full of fresh spinach - 10
Apple Cider Vinegar(dressing) - 0
Some fuze drink thing - 180

Snack: 80 total
Apple - 80

Dinner: 660
Tuna sub - about 500, it was a small one.
10 salt and vinegar chips - 100
soup - 60
strawberries - 100
Total: 1055 calories
Exercise: -200 calories
Grand total: 855

So I didn't eat only veggies and tuna. BUT, I'm definitely proud of the number today. And I only counted calories for the pure sake of eating things that weren't on my list of allowed foods. Tomorrow is a fast, and then the next day will be another day of healthy eating, etc etc. So, we'll see how this works out for me. Because my control was a lot better today than it usually is.

So I've come up with a little plan, as far as eating, that will keep me and hopefully everyone around me happy, but at the same time I'll still be losing weight.

While reading the blog "The Chubby Pear" earlier this morning, she mentioned eating and fasting every other day in a previous post. My boyfriend never said I couldn't fast at all, just that he didn't want me fasting for five days straight. Understandable. And I'm definitely not looking forward to almost passing out again. No thanks. So I'm going to give that a try.

So, on fasting days - obviously - I won't be eating at all. Only water. On days where I'm allowed food, I'll only accept tuna, green veggies (and cauliflower because it's just delicious), and water. Possibly vitamins. Haven't decided, because those little fuckers lie and say there's no sugar in it. But in the label it says dextrose; A form of sugar. As far as calories, I'm not going to count them. They'll be practically non-existent if those are the things that I'm going to be eating anyway. I'll just eat when I'm hungry, and fast every other day. Maybe then I'll be able to control my binge habits a little better because I'll still be eating, and I won't be completely nutrient deficient. Also, on eating days, I'll involve some sort of moderate exercise. Aaaand since I exercised this morning... I guess it's an eat day.

Also, if my mom would figure out her paypal account, I could eventually get my nutrient shakes from Herbalife. Those things are so damn good and will make up for the lack of anything in my diet.

I guess that's all for this morning. I'm going to shower, and have some breakfast. Wow, saying that sounds so unfamiliar... I think the last time I had breakfast was about two weeks ago.

Well whatever. Wish me luck.

These past few days have been hell, as far as feeling good. I'm not sure why, because usually I feel really good while fasting. But I've been tired, sluggish, and haven't really wanted to do anything. I think I might be slightly dehydrated, which could be the problem. I tried to get some more fluids down yesterday but I still feel kinda shitty. It makes me want to break the fast.

I had to restrain myself sooo bad from indulging on food these past three days. My friend brought in cupcakes for her birthday. I fed my share to my boyfriend instead. I tried to ignore the bag of girl scout cookies my boyfriend was eating last night while I was over. I haven't had girl scout cookies in forever and they looked soooo fucking good... But I refused any. It was also our one month anniversary, and I so badly wanted to go out and do something. But everything I wanted involved food, like going out to dinner and the such. So I just avoided asking for anything as to not provoke a failure on day two.

I'm really grouchy, I've noticed. I hate the first couple days of fasting because they're always the worst. Like, starting over, day one is the worst. You just want it to be the third or fourth day and you just want to have already lost five or so pounds. And the thought of food you don't even like sounds great. You can smell EVERYTHING. You're always tired. Ugh. At least its going on the third day now.

Oh, and my mom's starting to get all suspicious. She's actually concerned about the fasting thing now. So doing it will probably require effort when at home. I hate telling lies but... Oh well. They're only little white ones.

EDIT:
I don't think I've ever been afraid of something going wrong while fasting. I never really thought anything would because... well, it hasn't before.

Like I said in my earlier post today, things just haven't been right. I've been feeling really shitty, lethargic and tired. Today was the worst because I felt like I had no energy for anything. Later in the day, I managed to get cut and was bleeding pretty badly - by means of which I don't really want to talk about. After trying to stop the bleeding, I got outrageously dizzy, felt like I was going to vomit and had to lay down. Next came the feeling of having to pass out. It wasn't until my boyfriend got some juice in me that I felt better. I was so shakey, I could barely hold the glass. He was upset, with my eating habits, and kept telling me he was worried. I think that was the first time in my life anyone ever said they were worried about me... honestly.

I'm kind of in a predicament here. I very badly don't want to eat. Everything is all fine and dandy... until I eat. Except today. And I promised my boyfriend I would eat for him, more than I usually do anyway. I very badly don't want to break the promise, but I don't want to eat. I really, really don't. But I can't seem to lose weight the right way, because of my binge eating habits. It's just easier not to eat... It feels so much better not to eat. Why am I always so guilty when something goes into my stomach? Even spinach gets me all worked up because I know it's in there... I know I ate. I'm so messed up.

I guess, since I'm being "forced" to eat, then I'll only accept a few things into my mouth:
spinach
tuna(spoonful of mayo for moisture)
water
vitamins

Low sugar, low calorie. It will be impossible to put on the weight if I stick to it, and no one can be on my ass for not eating.

So... this is completely random. But yesterday, my boyfriend played a song when he was driving me home and I nearly cried. It was just really emotional. It brings back memories, ones of being a child. Way back when I felt like I had no one, when I felt like I had only myself to rely on. Way back when I told my self everything would be okay, everything would be better when I grew up.

I guess they are progressively getting better. They still aren't perfect, but life is better than it was. I have lots to be grateful for, now, and I'm glad for that. I just wish I didn't struggle with this.

Anyway, here's the song. Enjoy it.



Hang on... Help is on the way.

There was always a reason that I hated being alone. It's not that I'm lonely or high maintenance, or that I have to do something every second of the day. No.

When I'm alone, I have no distractions from food. It's like... My mind takes over, I feel like I need it, and in the end... I eat it. Not just a snack, not just a nibble of something. I eat a lot. I eat like I haven't eaten in weeks. I don't know why I can't stop, but my body just keeps asking for more. The sad part is, when I'm done, I feel like I just want to die.

And it's not because I haven't eaten in a couple days. I usually have fantastic control over myself while fasting. But it's when I take a bite of something, even something little, that the horrible cycle begins. Hear that? No, I bet you don't. The sound of a plastic wrapper of a roll of crackers I just demolished, crumpling as I go to throw it away. You don't even want to know what else I ate today. I'm ashamed and I feel too full for words. Obviously, I broke my fast. I feel like a failure.

The hardest part, even harder than dealing with what I just did, is blogging this. I promised I wouldn't hold back, and I didn't - not entirely - due to my boyfriend reading but... I don't know. This is hard for me. I feel like he should know, if no one else. And he's been so good to me about it the past couple days too... But it's still hard. I hate being judged. He said he wouldn't, but people still have thoughts. I'm sure things are still going through his head. What are you thinking about baby?

I'm fasting tomorrow. And also, hopefully, getting a treadmill. At least if I decide to binge, I won't feel as bad if I can run it off any time I want...

I hate food.

I absofuckinglutely hate waking up in the morning feeling sick. And the sickness is usually from my horrible eating habits the night/day before. Pizza. Wow. Tootsie rolls. Fail. Starburst gummies. Fml.

So not eating today was purely due to the fact that I felt like I was going to vomit until about 12:30 in the afternoon. I'm not complaining about not eating, but I can't say I enjoy feeling like a sick dog all day. I slept through two class periods, before my art teacher made my boyfriend drag me off to the nurse. I love how no other teacher offered to send me to the nurse, because half a dozen people told me I looked like death today. Oh well.

I feel a little better about telling my boyfriend about the whole situation. After a long talk about everything, he promised to do everything he could to support me... no matter what. It was really nice to hear someone say they just want me to be happy. I even went as far as to give him the blog info... I trust him with it. And I don't plan on changing anything that I say. I'm still going to say everything I normally would, even though he's reading. I'm not going to lie, or leave things out, or be fake. He said he could take it, so I'm going to continue writing what I write.

And hooray, for a follower!

That's all for today. The boyfriend is at the end of the bed, because I told him he couldn't read the blog until I had written it. So he's sitting behind the laptop, waiting patiently. Guess I better finish up for him, he wants to rage on some WoW. :]

Think thin, keep up the work.

I'm rather depressed.

I some what sort of came out and told my boyfriend about the eating disorder. I didn't really mention anorexia or anything, I just said I had problems with eating, a mental distortion of what was thin, and that I couldn't control it. He came back with,

"How can you not control what you eat? You decide, you decide to eat or not to eat today."

My heart kinda hurts. I mean, I guess I couldn't expect him to support me. That's kind of dumb. No one would support me. But now he's going to watch me like a hawk, and make sure I eat. I don't want to lie to him about food. I want to be honest with him, about everything. But I'm going to get fat. I'm so deathly afraid of gaining weight. Once you've had a taste of thin, you never want to go back. I miss being 122, and ever since I've been with him, I've put on about ten pounds. I feel disgusting. I feel heavy and bloated. I can't control what I eat anymore. It's honestly easier to just not eat, but he won't let me get away with that now. I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't want to lie to him... he's my baby.

And this is when I realize that someone who has never experienced anorexia will never ever understand it's effects. They will never understand the constant mental disturbance it causes, they will never understand the way you feel when you eat. No one will understand how you feel and they can't say it's as easy as a decision. It's not that easy. It's like prison. You're trapped and surrounded by guards, those guard being food. You can't leave without taking a bite. If you take a bite, you're sent back to prison because that's no good. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm just really upset right now. I wish I had someone to understand me. Someone who won't tell me to eat. Someone who will not eat with me. Someone who won't tell me I'm too thin.

I feel really alone, actually. My only friend seems to be food, maybe that's why I've been binging so much. I miss feeling empty. I keep saying I'm going to fast but never follow through. Why is this so hard? Why can't anyone understand? I want help, but at the same time I don't. Help will make me fat. Help means eating. I don't want help. I just want to get rid of my addiction to food.

Help.

I want to be healthy.
But I just as equally want to be thin.
I want a size zero.
But food gets in my way.
What can I do?

It's so hard to be healthy.
It's even harder to be thin.

I wish I had more time to blog. I feel like I'm just so busy all the damn time. I guess that's not a bad thing, I'd rather have lots to do than sit home alone all day. But sometimes it'd be nice just to post a blog a little more than every couple days. Then again, I'm not really sure what the point of posting is because I haven't a single follower yet. Hahah. Well, I'm sure they'll come in time.

So how's the eating, everyone? I know I said I was planning on starting my fast two days ago but that was a bust. I started today because I kept putting it off and I needed to finish off the food mom bought the week prior. So in a way I just binged like crazy just to get it all out of the way. Not to mention I went out to eat almost every day this week with my boyfriend, and then yesterday went to Applebees with my mom. I ate a huge plate of fried shrimp, fries, and even an appetizer of onion rings. I felt so sick but it was so good. Sometimes I wonder why I bother eating it because honestly, the taste really isn't worth it. It's good, but it's not worth it.

I love the feeling of fasting. I know I've said it so many times but it's such a high to not have anything in your body. The shakiness of the first day makes me feel so energetic, like I can't sit still. Aside from being sleepy the first day as well, it all feels so good. The second and third days get so much better. Mmmmm... I'm so glad I started a fast again. This time, I'm not going to binge my weight back. I keep gaining back the five - ten pounds that I keep losing. I get down to 120 and then gain it all back because I can't control my eating. But I'm not going to eat it back. I'm going to use my healthy eating to my advantage. Every time I want something that tastes good, I'm going to have some spinach instead. I love spinach. My boyfriend and I ate a whole bag of spinach together like it was a bag of chips. Am I strange?

Ugh. My body isn't hungry but all food looks good. Even the thought of meat sounds delicious and I don't even eat meat! This morning, my boyfriend had scones for breakfast. You have no idea how hard it was to tell my body that it didn't need it. It didn't need the sugar, the fat, the grossness. "They're gross, they're bad for you, you don't like them," I told myself. Not to mention, he offered them three times and I had to remind myself of all those things each time he asked. Ugh. Food. I hate it, but I love it. I'm so addicted to it. Why does food have to rule my life?

Think thin, you'll be a size zero soon. :]

I really wish I had some viewers. I mean, of course, I'm writing for my own purposes: to vent, to complain, without being complained back to about how much I complain. hahah. But it always seems to make me feel better when I have readers. Readers who offer advice, share my problem and can relate, or who are just interested in reading. I have like... no idea how to GET readers, but I hope that some come along soon, I want some blog friends. :] Speaking of that, I'm still looking for some ana texting buddies.

To finish the week off, I'm gonna start a fast tomorrow. I'm hoping for this one to be just as long - if not longer - as last weeks. Boy that felt good. I ate so much today, too. It was bad. Lots of cheese too, which really bothers my stomach. I don't know why I eat it, because my stomach completely fails at digesting it and I usually vomit the next day. Blah. I'm afraid to go to school, because I might get sick. I guess I'll just stay home. It'd be nice to try and get my boyfriend to skip with me... Mmm, fun.

Speaking of the boyfriend, I'm really starting to appreciate him. He's so sweet lately. Like, he'll bother to try and feed me, but if I say no, he doesn't keep on my ass about it. He just says, "Okay babe." and leaves it at that. He doesn't pry, he doesn't pressure me, he just accepts it. I haven't told him about my eating... then again, I'm sure it's not hard to figure it out. I'm just not sure I want to come out and say it. It's one thing for him to assume, it's another for him to know... and judge me. He says he loves me though. I don't know, it's only been a couple weeks. It seems early but... I feel like I've known the kid all my life. Is that weird?

Blah. I'm so uncomfortable with this full of a stomach. I wish I could make myself throw up, honestly I'd feel better. But I can't do it, no matter how far I shove a finger or two down my throat. Not that it's something I'd ever want to get in the habit of doing, but I'm sure you've had your bad days where you've felt this disgusting before; Those days that throwing up would just make you're stomach feel a lot better. Not to purge it. I'm not a purge-er. I hate throwing up. It makes me cry and stuff. Maybe I'm just a big baby.

So, if there are any viewers, please start to follow publicly! I'd like to see and hear from all of you. It's wonderful to get to know people just like me, to relate. But for now, I think I'm done with my rant. I'm sleepy, and I think I might hit up some WoW before I try and get some sleep. Yes, that's right, I play World of Warcraft. Sue me. Hahahah.

Think thin everyone, we're that much closer to size zero. ♥

It's been a while since I've actually posted an update. It's mostly because I've been living like a fat cow for the past week. I fasted successfully for about four days, and then Halloween fucked it up. I really wish I just hadn't eaten any candy and kept fasting. I was doing great, feeling amazing with an empty stomach. And then I fucked it up. I haven't really binged, I've just been... eating. Too much. I feel fat. I feel bloated. Mom went grocery shopping so I'm forced to eat or else the food goes bad. My boyfriend insists on buying me food after school. I need to eat this fucking food until it's gone and then get back on track. I haven't followed my plan at all since Halloween so I'm disappointed in myself. 130 pounds feels so fat. I miss 122. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he loves me how I am, but he's always touching my hips and telling me how amazing they are. I want them to show more, I want him to admire them more. I so badly want 115 pounds. No, I want 110 pounds. I want to be weightless. My boyfriend is about 135. He's so skinny, I love it. We're both skinny, but I want to be skinnier.

I have to go now, though. Going with the boyfriend to a party for his mom's town supervisor election. Maybe I'll post again soon.

Think thin, everyone. We're all able to reach size zero. :]