Sometimes I wonder where my life is going to go. I have this picture, in my head. It's a nice picture, happy, content, smiling... I know what I want. I just can't seem to get there. When I was younger, my goals were so set in stone. I was so strong. I believed in everything. I was naive, and innocent. Never a doubt in my mind; Anything was possible. When you grow up, life isn't always as perfect as your imagination can play it out to be. Things go wrong and the word perfection disappears from vocabulary all together. Suddenly you're alone and you have to make decisions and fend for yourself. When you need someone, they aren't there. Everything was so easy when you were young. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Regardless of how I looked, even. Maybe if I went back, I wouldn't have to deal with this disorder. I wouldn't have to deal with the judgement of people. I wouldn't have to lie. Those who knew wouldn't have to cringe at the mention of it because... it just wouldn't exist.

Who ever it was that said telling someone would be a bust... was right. I'm going to lose my boyfriend. I know it. I'm such a wreck tonight, and of all nights that I need him, I'm not with him. He's probably reading this, too, hating my problem even more. The only one who hasn't been terribly upsetting about it is my best friend. I know she cares, and thank god she's never going anywhere. I owe her so much more than I give her.

I can't help it.

I'm so unbelievably scared. I want life to be as simple as it was as a kid. I'd see what I want in my head and it would just happen. Scary monsters would go away if I just pulled the blankets over my head. Mean people would stop being jerks if I just ignored them. Best friends were loyal, and forever, so long as we made a pinkie promise. Scrapes on the knee could be fixed with a kiss and a band aid. But everything has become so severe, nothing seems innocent anymore. People are so negative and the world seems less and less happy every day. The eating disorder doesn't help. If I could fix it, I would. But I'm so afraid. And no one has the patience for me...

I guess, if things go wrong... I'll just have to hold my own, know my name, and go my own way.