I some what sort of came out and told my boyfriend about the eating disorder. I didn't really mention anorexia or anything, I just said I had problems with eating, a mental distortion of what was thin, and that I couldn't control it. He came back with,
"How can you not control what you eat? You decide, you decide to eat or not to eat today."
My heart kinda hurts. I mean, I guess I couldn't expect him to support me. That's kind of dumb. No one would support me. But now he's going to watch me like a hawk, and make sure I eat. I don't want to lie to him about food. I want to be honest with him, about everything. But I'm going to get fat. I'm so deathly afraid of gaining weight. Once you've had a taste of thin, you never want to go back. I miss being 122, and ever since I've been with him, I've put on about ten pounds. I feel disgusting. I feel heavy and bloated. I can't control what I eat anymore. It's honestly easier to just not eat, but he won't let me get away with that now. I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't want to lie to him... he's my baby.
And this is when I realize that someone who has never experienced anorexia will never ever understand it's effects. They will never understand the constant mental disturbance it causes, they will never understand the way you feel when you eat. No one will understand how you feel and they can't say it's as easy as a decision. It's not that easy. It's like prison. You're trapped and surrounded by guards, those guard being food. You can't leave without taking a bite. If you take a bite, you're sent back to prison because that's no good. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm just really upset right now. I wish I had someone to understand me. Someone who won't tell me to eat. Someone who will not eat with me. Someone who won't tell me I'm too thin.
I feel really alone, actually. My only friend seems to be food, maybe that's why I've been binging so much. I miss feeling empty. I keep saying I'm going to fast but never follow through. Why is this so hard? Why can't anyone understand? I want help, but at the same time I don't. Help will make me fat. Help means eating. I don't want help. I just want to get rid of my addiction to food.
Help.
*sits*
ReplyDeleteSucks that honesty with this kind of thing gets
you nowhere. People tell you to be honest with
them but in the end they just twist up what you
say and fuck you over.
And so true about the "help" thing. I want a
certain kind of help, help for my obsession with
wanting food etc. It's kind of the opposite of
what other people think of as help.
I wish you luck!
Taylor
I think you need to change a setting or something
ReplyDeletebecause there is no way for me to actually
become a follower 8|.... So change it and then
tell me so I can continue to follow! =D