These past few days have been hell, as far as feeling good. I'm not sure why, because usually I feel really good while fasting. But I've been tired, sluggish, and haven't really wanted to do anything. I think I might be slightly dehydrated, which could be the problem. I tried to get some more fluids down yesterday but I still feel kinda shitty. It makes me want to break the fast.

I had to restrain myself sooo bad from indulging on food these past three days. My friend brought in cupcakes for her birthday. I fed my share to my boyfriend instead. I tried to ignore the bag of girl scout cookies my boyfriend was eating last night while I was over. I haven't had girl scout cookies in forever and they looked soooo fucking good... But I refused any. It was also our one month anniversary, and I so badly wanted to go out and do something. But everything I wanted involved food, like going out to dinner and the such. So I just avoided asking for anything as to not provoke a failure on day two.

I'm really grouchy, I've noticed. I hate the first couple days of fasting because they're always the worst. Like, starting over, day one is the worst. You just want it to be the third or fourth day and you just want to have already lost five or so pounds. And the thought of food you don't even like sounds great. You can smell EVERYTHING. You're always tired. Ugh. At least its going on the third day now.

Oh, and my mom's starting to get all suspicious. She's actually concerned about the fasting thing now. So doing it will probably require effort when at home. I hate telling lies but... Oh well. They're only little white ones.

EDIT:
I don't think I've ever been afraid of something going wrong while fasting. I never really thought anything would because... well, it hasn't before.

Like I said in my earlier post today, things just haven't been right. I've been feeling really shitty, lethargic and tired. Today was the worst because I felt like I had no energy for anything. Later in the day, I managed to get cut and was bleeding pretty badly - by means of which I don't really want to talk about. After trying to stop the bleeding, I got outrageously dizzy, felt like I was going to vomit and had to lay down. Next came the feeling of having to pass out. It wasn't until my boyfriend got some juice in me that I felt better. I was so shakey, I could barely hold the glass. He was upset, with my eating habits, and kept telling me he was worried. I think that was the first time in my life anyone ever said they were worried about me... honestly.

I'm kind of in a predicament here. I very badly don't want to eat. Everything is all fine and dandy... until I eat. Except today. And I promised my boyfriend I would eat for him, more than I usually do anyway. I very badly don't want to break the promise, but I don't want to eat. I really, really don't. But I can't seem to lose weight the right way, because of my binge eating habits. It's just easier not to eat... It feels so much better not to eat. Why am I always so guilty when something goes into my stomach? Even spinach gets me all worked up because I know it's in there... I know I ate. I'm so messed up.

I guess, since I'm being "forced" to eat, then I'll only accept a few things into my mouth:
spinach
tuna(spoonful of mayo for moisture)
water
vitamins

Low sugar, low calorie. It will be impossible to put on the weight if I stick to it, and no one can be on my ass for not eating.