To make you happy...

two cups of spicy spinach - 200
two oranges - 120
chocolate(unsweetened cocoa)covered strawberries - 100
apple - 80
tortilla chips and salsa - 250
two mallo cups - 120
four peppermints - 75
two starburts(I decided more wasn't worth the calories... I need to give them away) - 20

Exercise:
Elliptical - 150

Total: 815

Felt like a binge.
And wasn't vegan.
Hey, it wasn't technically new years when I ate the shit.
fml.

So, I decided to break my fast tonight.
Honestly, I don't think I could binge even if I wanted to.
I just had a cup of spicy spinach, ONE cup, and I am beyond stuffed.
The kind of stuffed that makes you want to go lay on the couch for an hour to let it all digest.
So that's just what I'm going to do.
:]

Morning of Day 6.

"I'm a satellite heart, lost in the dark. I'm spun out so far; You stop, I start. But I'll be true to you."


Good morning everyone. Or afternoon, rather. Or maybe even good night, depending on where you are. I'm in a fairly indifferent mood this morning. Not ecstatic, but I wouldn't say it's a bad mood. Today is day six of the fast. I stepped on the scale, finally.

It was 126 on the dot.

It wasn't exactly the number I was looking for. I was hoping for at least 124. But I went through that stage where I put on boyfriend weight. So I'm pretty positive I've lost a good ten pounds now. I can't be disappointed for that. Today is the last day of the fast, I'm thinking. I'd love to go longer, but I promised mom that after new years... it was time to eat. I think I'm done with fasting for a while. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of this week, but it's very hard and suspicious trying to avoid food. You have to cancel outings, ignore food in the fridge, and say no to any particular thing that involves food because you don't want to look like the idiot sitting there sipping some water while everyone else gorges.

Although I will say that I experiencd some health and mental changes during this fast. Probably due to it's length. I haven't craved a single bit of sugar since day two. Honestly, I'm dying to break the fast with a bowl of broccoli and spinach and maybe a little garlic powder sprinkled on top. I feel healthier. I sleep less, but wake up even more refreshed. My skin has pretty much cleared up more than it ever has. I don't wake up feeling like I just showered in a tub of grease. I have better concentration, and I'm able to focus and remember things. Over all it was a great experience, but it's time to take a break. I feel disciplined, and definitely feel like I've learned something from this long fast. I never thought I could do it, but I did.

And the hardest challenge of all is breaking the fast and not binging. But I know I can do it, and I will. And once back to my vegan diet, the numbers will keep getting smaller.

Wish me luck, and happy new years eve everyone.

Is it just me, or does anyone else ever wonder what would be like if things in the past didn't happen? If people didn't leave or people didn't come. If you never changed your beliefs or you never really experienced anything. Sometimes I wish I could go back, put things on replay, make them work and then see where life goes. I'm sure we all have our regrets, all the way back to the day we could actually feel regret for something. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past... but we all do it. We reminisce and we imagine... Sometimes it makes dealing with the present a little less stressful.

Sometimes, I wish I could go as far back as childhood. Control what my mother put into my mouth... control the way I ate. What would life be like if I had never been over weight? If I never had to deal with this ED? Some how I think I'd be a little happier.

And then, to more recent times, but still not very recent. What if I was still in love with my first boy? First kiss.. first a lot of things, actually. Neither of us ever wanted to leave, but life sometimes takes two people by the collar and sends them in separate directions. It's sad. But now we've both moved on, only with the memory of what we both gave each other. It's still a cherishable memory, but what if it wasn't just a memory? I always wonder.

I think being an idealist... I picture the world happy. I picture things to always work out, and I dream of happiness. I have this idea in my head that everyone should be happy, no matter who they are. And when I experience anything less, when I experience fighting and distrust, anger and sadness... It in a way, makes me feel bad. Even if it's not me that's going through it. Life shouldn't be made of grudges or what's happened in the past. All the while we dwell in the past, wondering what would happen if we did something differently... But where will that get us in the future? What we really need is to focus on the goodness of the present.

I can't help but think that staying angry at someone forever is foolish. Telling others how angry they made you.. all the cruel things about them that bothered you. That won't get you anything else except negative feelings. Sometimes, it takes a bigger person. Someone to say, "Hey, I'm sorry for what I did. But we can't stay mad forever." That would be really nice. But you never see it happen. I like to try and be that person, but I think people take advantage of that.

I'm always the first to say I'm sorry, regardless.
And I guess, if no one can relate to my rants... I suppose it's okay. I'm kind of writing for someone. Whether he knows it, or reads it anymore or not, I am. But dwelling on the past would make me sound so very hypocritical, that I'm going to pretend that there's nothing left to dwell on. I already did my part.

Day five.

Day five of the fast. How could anything be better? :]

Off to the mall with the little brother and his friend.
Fuckin' adoooorable friend, might I add.
I'm not in the mood for a long post, so I'll see you all later.

Just a heads up. I started a second blog for my new years resolution. I mean, after new years, I plan on ACTUALLY eating. But I'm returning to a strict vegan diet for my health. So as a way to enjoy my meals, the other half of my resolution is to learn how to cook for myself and my family(and anyone else who'd like to come over for dinner ;]). So, take a look, maybe even follow.

http://veganrecipegirl.blogspot.com/

By no means does this new blog mean I'm quitting this one. I'm still going to be around, posting like usual. But go take a look at the new one. When new years comes around, I'll be posting the recipes to my nightly experimental dinners.

I guess until I find something else to keep me busy, my nose will be buried in a cookbook for a while. :]

Day Four.

Hello everyone.

I hope everyone had a really great holiday. I wasn't able to post much over these past few days. Unfortunately, I ended up eating, but it's a bit hard to get out of it when there are over a dozen people offering you food. But I started my fast on Saturday, after Christmas and today is Tuesday, day four. I haven't got on the scale, so I have no idea how much I weigh. Somehow, I've managed to sit in this house with left over cookies, pie, and the likes, without having a single craving for any of it. I think I've just 'cookied' myself out. The fast is going pretty good, and I feel great. Not lethargic, no nausea, nothing. So I plan on keeping it up until the new years. I told mom about it. She said as long as I'm feeling okay, she won't say a word. But the second I don't feel good, she's feeding me. Fair enough.

I'm finding myself really happy with the subtle changes in the mirror, even if they are subtle. I'm curious how much I weigh, but I'll wait because if I weigh myself and it's bad, I'll want to eat. And if I weigh myself and it's good... I'll want to eat. Hahah. So I'll wait. I'm finding myself to be just over all happier lately. It's nice to not be bitched at all the time.

Oh, and I had a fabulous birthday as well. That was on the 27th, so I'm 17 now. It seems like such a big number, even though I don't feel any older.

Lastly, I see I have a few new followers. :] Boy, I've come a long way from the time I started my blog until now. I'll have to check up on the new stalkers and stalk them back. Hahahah.

Happy Holidays, pretties.

Group Fast: Day One

I had a fabulous fast day and just an over all day.

Today, I got my license and that was definitely a huge mood lifter. Although I didn't get to drive till later, so I worked out, cleaned and took a short nap.

Later, when I went out, I met my grandma for dinner at Tim Horton's. Don't worry, I didn't eat anything. She looked at me a little funny when I only got a water, but she didn't push food on me. While I wasn't expecting anything good to come out of it, there definitely was. :] Buuut, I won't go into that. Ahahahah.

So now I'm home. The house is full of cookies and I think I just have myself convinced that I don't feel good, so I haven't eaten any. Yay me.

You said I have disappointed you.

But honestly...
When were you proud?

I changed for you,
and it was in vain.

So here I am, returning to old ways.
Kind of like you did.
The only difference?
I supported you.

I'm sorry, if that's a disappointment.

I know I've posted a lot today, and my mood has just been all over. Talking to people hasn't really seemed to help me feel better, and my mood just kind of plummeted again a few minutes ago. I'm single. Not that it's any surprise, I saw it coming a while ago. But it's for the better... that's what everyone tells me. They say I deserve someone who's going to treat me right. Someone who's proud of me, someone who would give the world to see me smile and someone who only has eyes for me. I'm not sure I've ever had a guy like that before. Is it even possible?

I can't help but feel like he pushed and pushed me, because he wanted me to break up. He's free to do whatever he wants now.. And honestly, I hope he's enjoying himself. Really, no sarcasm there. I just wish that I was. Maybe this fast will give me some confidence to go out and be happy myself. He's not around anymore... so there's really no reason to eat. I just have no closure. Friday night was such an enjoyable evening with him and by Sunday, we were practically over. Everything happens for a reason I supposed, but that doesn't make coping any easier. And when things feel like they're going good and then just suddenly fail... it's a bit of a shock.

Ever since I was little.. I always had this idea of what I wanted in a relationship. I'd watch in envy, my little 8 year old self, as teenagers walked the mall together, hugged and kissed. I once told my mom that I hated teenagers. When she asked why, my response was, "They're happy." She laughed, in complete oblivion of how I felt, and said "Well honey, you'll be one someday!"

That's so depressing... More depressing that I remember that moment of my life.

I told my self every day that when I grew up to be a teenager, I'd be just as happy. That everything would just kind of fall into place and my life would flip around for the better. I guess in a way, it did. I lost a lot of weight and I'd say I'm mildly appealing to look at. I'm no super model... hell, I wouldn't even say I'm pretty. I guess I'm just average. But things have changed. I was happy for a while.

I lost myself where the happiness ended. This year seems like it's one of the roughest of my life and sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. It's a really suicidal thought, but sleep has always been something I enjoy... I'm not going to go and shoot myself or do anything to that extreme, but sometimes I just don't think I'm myself. I miss how I was when I was a child. I mean, I don't remember. But looking back at photos, I had the biggest smile that you'd ever find on a child. You grow up, and change a lot, but do you ever look back and wonder where that little girl went? The one you used to be? I know I do. I want to be able to smile, for real, every day. I feel like I always have to force one out. And the few things in my life that make me smile aren't here. Someone to love, my father, and my best friends (who all live rather far away).

My mom talked about how she said that she probably could have managed to stay with my father. That she even missed him sometimes. "Your daddy was a good man.. he just wasn't there when we needed him." I honestly wanted to cry at that moment. My parents splitting up never really effected me until I moved to live with my father last year, and left my mom behind. Then I realized how much I needed both of them. And now that I'm back with mom, I find myself missing my dad and wishing that my parents were still together.

Does life ever get easier? It seems like there's always a problem in life. And when things seem like they get better, they're really not. It's just a calm before the storm, honestly. I'm in such a rush to grow up, because I hope that being older will make me happier than I am now. Settling down seriously, experiencing real love. Maybe even having kids, a family. Being closer with my family, and my brothers. I don't know. It seems like happiness is so far away.

But I'm the type of girl who chases happiness. When I find it, I hold on to it, and if it tries to leave... I'm right behind it. So I guess, when you feel like you're in love over a silly boy in high school... it seems like a big deal. And it is a big deal, at the time. I'll slowly recover. As much as I don't want to admit it right now, there's more that you'll do with your life than fall in "love" at this age. I just don't know it yet.

Give me time.

GROUP FAST: Listen up and join in!

All right. Enough fucking moping around. It's time to do something that will make me happy. I'm craving a competition. A group fast. A fast that will go through Christmas, all the way until the New Year. A fast that will make us skip those holiday sorrows of binging on cookies and food because... we won't be eating it. :] Who is with me?

December 23rd - January 1st.

Rules:

1. Communication is key! Leave a comment here letting us know you'll be participating. Update your blog daily with how you're doing, we all want to hear and support you. I'll add everyone to a list on my sidebar, who is participating.
Edit: As much as you possibly can! I understand it's the holidays and that means we are busy. But we'd still like to hear from you.

2. The fast may consist of any liquid beverage. Coffee, tea, water, whatever works for you. Personally, I'm going to stick to water. Tends to work the best.

3. Have fun. :] And don't give in to those holiday cravings!

I'm unhappy.
I can't eat.
Eating makes me vomit.
Literally.
Involuntarily.

I wish someone gave a fuck.

The world is a tricky place. A place that's always weighing something heavy on your shoulders. But the best thing about it's weight, is that, the longer you hold it up, the stronger you get. And the stronger you get, the more weight you can hold.

Keep that chin high girl, the load ain't getting any lighter.

Even with so much time on my hands, I find it really hard to muster up any sort of motivation to write anything. I have so much to say, yet, I don't feel I should blog them. I know blogging would help, but my posts seem to just get fewer and fewer.

I've been considering counseling. Mostly for depression, I think. Although, my mood swings and thoughts were fine until I went back on birth control, which caused problems like this is the past. So I have plans of going off of it again for a while and see how things go. I want to be a better, happier, more energetic person for everyone. And I'm really tired of feeling bad for myself over nothing. It's just not worth it to be sad. I don't have anything to be sad over. I mean, sure, I have problems like everyone else. My family can be kind of disfunctional at times. I get upset over people and things and that's normal, everyone does. But I have so much to be thankful for. I have an amazing boyfriend, who would do anything in the world for me. I have good friends, and even though we don't spend as much time together as we used to do, I know I'm still important to all of them. I have my pets, my kitten and my puppy, both of which make me smile (and piss me off hahah) on a daily basis. And even though I'm not happy with my weight right now, I have still changed my life so much. Over the course of two and a half years I have lost 60 pounds. That is a feat in itself that anyone would be proud of, and would be crazy not to be.

So, one more week of the birth control and I'm done with it. If my depression doesn't get better, then I'm going to talk to my mom about counseling. I think it would really help.

Oh, and my new years resolution? I don't think I've mentioned it. No more fasting. No more binging. I'm going to start eating healthily, and exercising. And, I don't think I've said the word fat in over a week and a half. Damn.

Some times it's really hard to feel good enough. As of late, with my eating, I've been quite disappointed in myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm fabulous at hiding it. The fact that I've gained weight and the fact that I'm miserable about it. I'm sure people can see it, anyway. I haven't posted a blog about weight loss in quite a while but I feel like I need to. I'm trying really hard to make my boyfriend happy with me, but I think it's making me hate myself. My progress is being pushed farther and farther away. Eating? What am I doing? It's not just normal eating. It's crazy eating, every day. I eat things, just because they're there. I know I'm not hungry, but I do it anyway. And it's garbage food. I may as well just not eat, because either way, I'm getting about the same amount of nutrients. None.

I've adapted the idea that food is something to do, something to keep me busy.
What am I doing?

I need someone to shove the word fat in my face. I need motivation.

I haven't really had a worthwhile post in a couple days. But I've still been checking up on all your blogs. I'm just not sure what to really blog about anymore. It's somewhat sad, that aside from my eating disorder, my life is pretty uneventful to the point that I don't have anything else to talk about. There's my boyfriend, but I'm not sure you all want to hear about him all the time.

I think humans burden themselves with problems, just so that they can feel. Fight, just to draw anger. Complain, just to remind yourself of all the annoying things that bother you in life. Involve yourself in something upsetting, just to draw some tears so that you know you aren't some sort of heartless robot. When there is no emotion, we crave emotion. But when there is too much, we are still unsatisfied.

Perhaps it's just that humans are naturally needy beings. We are selfish, never content with our lives. And when things become like a fairytale, we must ruin it, to feel real again. Happiness seems too surreal, and we just don't feel like it makes sense.

God forbid, happiness isn't enough of an emotion to keep us smiling, apparently.

I wish I could read minds.

My friend asked how I was doing today.
"I've eaten almost every day for two weeks."
"Good!" was all she said.
"I'm proud. I hate it more than anything... but I'm proud."
I think she sensed my feelings of conflict.

I'm not sure if I even mentioned it in the blog yet or not, but a couple nights ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. It was devastating, even if it's only been a couple months that we've been together. But, last night, I ended up at the house next door to his, babysitting a couple kids with my friend. He texted me, asked me to come outside and we talked.

He told me he needed time.

Now from experiences in my past, that's not something you want to hear. Ever. Usually, it means he wants time with other chicks. And for a while, my friend had me convinced even more so in that belief. But regardless of what my friend and mom were both saying about the situation... I kept a little faith in the back of my heart.

After standing outside, hugging, and talking for a little while, I was beckoned inside for some dinner that my friend made. I wasn't really hungry, but, I left. Mostly because I was cold, and the scene itself was just depressing. Although I must say, the huge falling snow flakes that scattered themselves all over us really did make the situation romantic - regardless of the fact that it was more depressing than a funeral. He asked me to text him, just before I left.

So I did.

It was maybe.. an hour or so later, I got another text. "Come outside." Again? I wasn't expecting much. I was actually kind of sad, because I didn't want to just be told the same thing again - to give him time. So I reluctantly made my way outside again into the falling snow. I saw him heading up the drive way, rushing almost. Before I could even speak, he was right in front of me with a tight arm around my waist and pressed his lips into mine. It was the most passionate kiss I think anyone has ever given me. My insides melted, regardless of how freezing it was.

The whole night I somewhat felt like he was just messing with my feelings. I mean, it's hard to tell what a person is thinking over text messages. So I asked, "I hope you didn't kiss me like that... just to tell me you still need time." He smiled, and shook his head. "No, it was me telling you I want you back." What'd I do? I smiled and hugged him. We smiled, we kissed, we laughed, and we were happy again. I still can't say I'm entirely sure why we broke up - aside from the ED - but I think it's better that I don't. I don't really want to know. I'm just glad to be back with him, and he seems happy again. Happy like he was when we met.

As long as he is happy, I'm happy.

I owe a lot of thanks to an old friend. And I'm glad I let myself open up to her. I learned a lot, and I'm glad I took the time to listen tonight. :]

I have a good feeling about the week now. I'm going to school with a smile.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I know I said I wasn't going to blog. I'll correct myself. I'm going to take a break about blogging about the eating thing. I'm done. I'm going to eat normal, no matter what it means. But right now, I'm blogging for closure.

I just need to vent. It's been a stressful weekend. Everything has just been really confusing, unsettling and upsetting. I don't know how to deal with anything without having someone to comfort me. And I don't really have anyone.

I don't know, now that I started typing, if I even really want to talk about anything. Ugh. I'm just so messed up.

My heart hurts again. I blame the ED. And to those of you who suffer from this too, do yourselves a favor; Don't tell anyone. It will come back to bite you in the ass later. No matter how much someone says they'll support you, in the end... They won't.

So it's all over now. I'm going to do whatever it takes to give it up, I guess. If it makes him happy. It'll probably be better for me too... I hope. I'd smile a little more if he was here though.

I can't blog anymore.

Not for a while, at least. Maybe some day you'll hear from me.
For now, good bye.

8:25 am.

"That is why, when an anorexic gets too thin, they get sick. Because the body uses up all its preferred resources - fat and glucose - and eventually turns to protein for fuel. But protein is not a preferred fuel by the body, therefor, is not significantly used until all other sources of fat is gone."

My biology teacher.
She makes references to anorexia all the time.
And she is one of the fattest ladies I know.
This quote made me smile.
Only more proof that fasting is not harmful to the body until all fat storage is gone.

I want to fast, bad.

I guess, in a way, I'm rather lucky when it comes to food. On my binge days, I can take down 5000 calories no problem. I eat like a three hundred pound person, and honestly, it really disgusts me. But the thing about that is, my self control - once I know I'm gaining weight - is so great that I can drop all the weight I've gained in a matter of a week, in only three or so days. The joys of fasting. I haven't fasted for more than two days in about a week or so, but it feels needed. I haven't really eaten a lot, but I guess compared to 5000 calories daily, 1500-2000 doesn't feel like a lot. But I know it is. I haven't stepped on the scale though. I'm trying this new thing, where I don't. The only thing I fear is, gaining weight and not knowing it. Then getting on the scale a few weeks later and bursting into sobs because I'm ten pounds heavier. And that's a pain in the ass to work out. I fucking hate it. I really need some sort of hobby or something, to keep me busy at night. All through out the day, I survive on about 300 calories no problem. But as soon as my mom brings home cookies or makes a huge pasta dinner... I'm fucked. I can't seem to refuse any of it, even when I know that I don't want it. Half the time I always feel like shit after eating it. No, I take that back, I ALWAYS feel like shit after eating it. So why do I?

I'm waiting or next week to start. I'm patiently anticipating another fast. My boyfriend openly told me I had an addiction to it. Yes, I know. Hence, anorexia, babycakes. I miss my flat tummy. It's really depressing when I have to go to school feeling like a bloated, pregnant lady. That's what it feels like, after a binge. I don't even want to talk about it, because the thought of it is making me want to fast tomorrow. Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm the only one who sees the fluctuation in my weight. Every day, my boyfriend touches my hips and my stomach and tells me how little I am. Why can't I see it? This morning, my mom did a double take and asked if I've lost more weight. No. I haven't. Why can't I see it? All I see is fat. Always fat. Never skinny.

When will I see skinny?

On a brighter note, I'm really glad to see all my new followers! If I haven't checked up on those who are new followers, don't worry, I'll leave a comment on your blog and start following as well. I'm pretty good at keeping up with everyone - somehow, because I follow a ton of people! - so just give me a chance to get to all of your blogs. :] It's so cool to have so many followers when I haven't even been at this blog very long.

Also, I decided adding a little checklist to my daily blog posts will help me get things done. At least, they might inspire me to get them done just so that I can say that I did them on my blog and feel proud about it. So, stay tuned in the following posts for little checklists at the end of each rant. Hoorah. But not tonight's post, because today I was a failure. Even bigger horrah.

fml. Bed time.

So today, I finally spent the day after school with my boyfriend. It's only been three days, yet somehow it always seems like eternity if we don't see eachother daily. It's clingy, but hey, I really love being with him. Even though he slept most of the afternoon - lack of sleep the night before - he still made up for it later in the evening. :]

So like I said, I'm trying to get better, on my own. Well, I shouldn't say on my own. My boyfriend is sort of playing the role of a parent - telling me what I can and can't do. I guess in a way that's good, because if I didn't make promises to him, I wouldn't keep promises to myself. He originally planned to only let me fast twice a week, no more, in hopes that starting out slowly eliminating days would help break my habit. But after begging him for one more fast day, he agreed, but only if I fasted one day only next week. I agreed.

I fought a huge urge to binge today. Cookie dough. In the fridge. Fuck me, right? It was there, I knew it was there, I even paced the kitchen for about three minutes having a mental argument. Eventually I walked out of the kitchen and to my room, and got on here to distract myself. I am proud, and I know as soon as I get into bed, fast day two will be over and the start of three will creep up on me in the morning. Then after day three I'm done fasting until next week. I promised. I intend to keep it.

I haven't stepped on the scale. I'm sort of waiting until I'm done. Whenever I reach a certain weight that looks okay, I always end up binging. So I'm just going to stay away, assume I'm still fat, and that I need to avoid food. Hopefully that'll help my urges for food.

And as soon as I'm done fasting: STRICT protein diet. No sugar. No carbs. I am going to indulge in meat and veggies until Christmas. Hopefully by then, I'll be 110.

Maybe?

Ugh.

Sometimes I just don't want to eat, out of spite for something.
For days. Weeks.

Anyone else get like this?

I hate contradicting myself. Because if there was no consequence, no lectures, no anger or worry, I would starve myself to nothing.

But I'm trying not to.
I'm trying to make the rest of the fucking world happy with me.
God damn, I'm not going to like this change in habit.
I already feel it.

So I've done some thinking. With the elyptical here (though not set up), I won't feel so guilty about eating. I can exercise, and eat, and still lose weight. And with making a promise to my boyfriend that I wouldn't fast for more than two days at a time, I'm going to be doing just that... fasting only two days out the week, and eating normally the rest. Normally as in... 1200-1500 calories. I know, it sounds disgusting, but I'm really trying to fix my problem. For me, so I don't have to watch my hair start to fall out or my nails crack from lack of nutrients. For my boyfriend and my family and my friends, so they don't have to worry about me anymore.

I want to start to enjoy life, not let food control it.

I know fasting still won't help. But this is a process that's going to take time. I'll start slow, until I'm completely back on a healthy track. For now, I'm going to keep fasting but try to keep it to a minimum. And maybe, if I'm successful, I can be somewhat of an inspiration for others to try and help themselves, while still being thin just like we all want. :]

So here's to a hopefully healthy week. Tomorrow and Tuesday will be a fast, the rest of the week will be filled with eating. I cringe at the thought of it, but I'll try and get used to it.

For you, baby.

The problem with suffering with a binge eating disorder and anorexia is that you maintain your weight. It's very discouraging. And while you might say, "Maintain? That's great! You aren't gaining."

Wrong.

I feel so unhealthy. Like, I get random chest pains. My stomach always hurts. I feel nauseous just about every day unless I don't eat. I need to learn to eat regularly. Like my friend said today, in order for one problem to get better, I'll have to cancel out the other. Which means no more binging and no more restricting. My binging is probably a result of the fasting, which is why I'd have to stop fasting. But I'm so accustomed to fasting now that I just don't want to stop. I feel great when I do it; So little, with a flat stomach. Nothing else gives me the same feeling. And nothing else is as efficient. Healthy weight loss is so discouraging. I just can't seem to find motivation is losing half a fucking pound a week. Am I alone there? I just think that's so ridiculously slow. Maybe I just need to work out more, and harder.

God damn I just want to fast for days. Thanksgiving has made me feel disgustingly gluttonous. My boyfriend so badly doesn't want me to do it anymore. :\

Fuck.

I'm trying really hard to make this better. I know it's killing me. My spurts of not eating, and then eating far too much is putting a lot of stress on my body and my emotions. If I don't stop, I don't even know what's going to happen.

I feel like I should go vomit...

My heart hurts.

Sometimes I wonder where my life is going to go. I have this picture, in my head. It's a nice picture, happy, content, smiling... I know what I want. I just can't seem to get there. When I was younger, my goals were so set in stone. I was so strong. I believed in everything. I was naive, and innocent. Never a doubt in my mind; Anything was possible. When you grow up, life isn't always as perfect as your imagination can play it out to be. Things go wrong and the word perfection disappears from vocabulary all together. Suddenly you're alone and you have to make decisions and fend for yourself. When you need someone, they aren't there. Everything was so easy when you were young. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Regardless of how I looked, even. Maybe if I went back, I wouldn't have to deal with this disorder. I wouldn't have to deal with the judgement of people. I wouldn't have to lie. Those who knew wouldn't have to cringe at the mention of it because... it just wouldn't exist.

Who ever it was that said telling someone would be a bust... was right. I'm going to lose my boyfriend. I know it. I'm such a wreck tonight, and of all nights that I need him, I'm not with him. He's probably reading this, too, hating my problem even more. The only one who hasn't been terribly upsetting about it is my best friend. I know she cares, and thank god she's never going anywhere. I owe her so much more than I give her.

I can't help it.

I'm so unbelievably scared. I want life to be as simple as it was as a kid. I'd see what I want in my head and it would just happen. Scary monsters would go away if I just pulled the blankets over my head. Mean people would stop being jerks if I just ignored them. Best friends were loyal, and forever, so long as we made a pinkie promise. Scrapes on the knee could be fixed with a kiss and a band aid. But everything has become so severe, nothing seems innocent anymore. People are so negative and the world seems less and less happy every day. The eating disorder doesn't help. If I could fix it, I would. But I'm so afraid. And no one has the patience for me...

I guess, if things go wrong... I'll just have to hold my own, know my name, and go my own way.

So I think today I'm going to break my fast.
I know it's a day early, but I'll tell you why.

"I think you have an eating disorder."

I was mortified when those words came out of my mom's mouth this morning. I don't know what she's been reading on the internet, but something about anorexia must have come up when she searched about constant fasting and restrictions when it comes to eating. :P So I'm going to eat a little, to mask any sort of doubt that I might be lying about being "just fine" when it comes to eating. Still only going to have these drink mixes, and no solid food yet. But it'll keep her content at least. I'm just sad that I probably won't hit 124 tomorrow. I'm at 126 right now and I'm stoked. I already see a difference. I love feeling so tiny.

So, congrats to Anamarie for participating. I haven't heard from her in a couple days but if you read this before you finish your four days, I'd like to see how you're still doing! If not, then congrats so much on the four fasted days!

Watching overweight people eat is outrageously disturbing. It's not really something you notice unless you stop eating for a while, and pay attention to those around you that still are. They indulge so much in the food, as if it's something that only get temporarily. Clearly by their weight, you know that's not the case. They take large bites and eat rather fast (or sometimes you have those really huge people who eat really slow. I haven't figured out if it's because their arm weighs so much that it's just too hard to move quickly, or if they're savoring every bite because they'll be hungry in an hour again) and usually their helpings involve one or more EXTRA servings. Then later, they complain their gaining weight. Gee, really? Most claim "I only eat a little bit, I really don't eat that much, but I don't understand why I'm putting on the weight."

1. Either you eat like a fat cow and you just don't see it.
2. You eat the wrong foods, high calorie and unhealthy, which bulks up your calories to like... a million.
3. There is no such thing as the "See" food diet. If you see food, you CAN'T eat it if you want to lose weight.
4. In order for a diet to work, you have to stick to it for more than a day, dumbasses.
5. Don't talk about how you lost weight on a diet if you put it all back on by eating shit again. You just fail.

Wow, that was bitchy. Sorry, but it's been bothering me forever. I HATE people like this.
Fast day 3, regardless. Off to school I go.

Day one went fabulously. Quick and painless. And hungerless.

So I'm pretty happy it's day two. Although day two never holds much weightloss, I'm still glad day one is over with. I got on the scale and was 130 on the dot (I'm not surprised with my two days of binges prior to the fast. Ugh). But I usually lose about two pounds a day so I'm not too worried, having three more days to go. I should lose about 6 more pounds, I'm assuming. I can't wait to be below 125 again. And after the fast, no sugar. Even when I was eating all last week, but having no sugar, I kept losing weight. So I'm going to stick to that, and maintain my 120's weight. And it won't be hard, because I really didn't have much of an appetite at all eating veggies and meat. Oh yeah, meat.

No more vegetarian here. But no, I'm not going back to eating pounds and pounds of unhealthy red meat. I'm sticking to fish and chicken, the healthy stuff. And still, only in moderation. But just thought I'd let you all know, just so you're not like "WHAT?! MEAT?!" because yes, I'm eating it again.

My mom kinda makes me laugh. She asked if I was fasting yesterday. I didn't feel like lying, so I just said yes. She knows I get grumpy, so she was like "Okaaay! I'll leave you be then." Later, she comes back complaining about how I never tell her when I start my fast. When I asked why, she said "So I can fast tooo!". Oh mom.

So with day one out of the way, day two is in progress. :]
I'll post another if somethin' goes on today.

So far, the day has been completely in control. Aside from hunger pangs, which I'm used to ignoring, I haven't had a single craving for anything.

Thankfully, to keep me busy, I had my five hour course for driving this morning. I took it reluctantly (for a SECOND time because I took my first one when I lived in Jersey) but at least it kept me from food. Now I'm sitting here home alone, really desperately wanting to make up another batch of cookies... but I'm refraining. Tea in hand, I'm typing up a blog hoping that it'll keep my mind on words and not food. I was hoping to go to the boyfriend's after the five hour, but he's not answering his text messages. Not sure what he's up to but... it's probably sleeping. So I'll just wait a couple hours until my mom gets home and go driving. That keeps me from eating too. I can't wait till tomorrow morning when I actually start feeling completely empty. And checking off a completed fast day on the blog is just so motivational and satisfying.

Keep up the work!

As said in my previous blog, the four day group fast starts today. :] I'm excited. I'm totally stoked and have high spirits for this. Sippin' some delicious water right now, as I type.

Good luck to those who are participating (Looks like it's just Anamarie so far, and looking forward to more.).

EVEN if you read the post late, don't hesitate to join in for a shorter period of time anyway. We'd still be glad to have you, even if it's not the full four days.

So, I know I JUST posted. Not to get spammy, but I have more to say.

My mood just completely flipped around. Oh how I love reading other blogs. I don't know why, it's just really motivating. And, since starting the blog, I'd say I've made a few "friends" - followers, but saying friends makes me feel like we're closer hahah - and I thought maybe doing something "together" would be fun. Yeah?

A fast.

Let's do a fast up until the day before Thanksgiving. Who's up for it? I totally know that all of you are capable of doing it, and I think if it's something we're doing simultaneously, it'll be more likely to get done. I'd love to do a longer one, but come on - it'll be Thanksgiving. And there's no getting out of eating there. So here's the plan:

Start of the fast: November 21st.
End of the fast: November 25th, on Wednesday morning.

Rules:

• Only water, or natural tea. No diet sodas, nothing with fake sugar in it.
• We must communicate every day - post a blog about how it's going and we'll all check in. :]
• If you're going to participate, leave a comment so we CAN read your blogs.
• At the end of the fast, repost new comments on this same post with how much weight you lost and any other positive changes.
• No cheating! Well... I guess, even if you do, there's nothing we can do about it. This is a matter of getting a few people together and successfully completing a fast.
  

Let's do it girls!

(I hope everyone sees this before they wake up in the morning and eat! :o I'm the only loser her checks her blogger a million fucking times a day.)

So I've returned sooner than I had led you all to believe. I guess I'm lonely. Not physically. Physically I'm always with someone, always talking to someone, always having company.

I'm lonely when it comes to "this". My eating disorder.

I humored my boyfriend. I ate for a whole week straight. I managed to keep down my weight, and was slowly losing. Today I binged. How lovely. I'm not mad at myself, I'm really just indifferent. What the fuck right? I'll end up losing it one way or another, and this is no different than any other binge day. Who cares. I feel like binging isn't even worth it anymore. Food isn't satisfying. This is probably my last time now. It's getting to the point where I've had so much that I'm just done.

My boyfriend said he wasn't going to read the blog anymore. I don't know how true that is. I mean, I can't really stop him from reading. Whether he is or isn't... well, I don't even know what I had to say about that. He had a real problem with me fasting for the length of time I had planned last time so... I'm not really sure what to do about fasting. I want to do it. I almost kind of miss it. I don't feel like myself. I guess all I can do is say fuck it and do what I want. I love him, but I'm not changing for anyone unless it's myself. That's how it's always been. Sorry baby, if you're still reading. I know you're worried, but... Baby, this is me. I know how to take care of myself. I'll be fine.

So I'm starting another fast. This one will be strict. And after it's over, it's back to spinach and tuna. I actually felt really good all week, with that being pretty much my entire menu. But I feel like I need to fast before I return to food. I must be punished for my gluttony.

Good night, lovelies.

Just a heads up to those who are reading:

I'm not going to be a blogging for a couple days. Maybe about a week. I need some time to get my habits straight and get back on track. I don't feel like I deserve to post on my blog. Don't worry though, I'll still be staying updated with everyone else's and I'll continue to leave you all comments and support. Don't worry about me. :]

Talk to you all soon.

So today was a rather good day. I controlled my food intake. I didn't really feel too hungry today. This morning I ate purely for the fact of getting something into my stomach. It felt like I still ate a lot today, but my calories managed to stay below 1000.

Breakfast: 25 total
broccoli - 25

Lunch: 190 total
A hand full of fresh spinach - 10
Apple Cider Vinegar(dressing) - 0
Some fuze drink thing - 180

Snack: 80 total
Apple - 80

Dinner: 660
Tuna sub - about 500, it was a small one.
10 salt and vinegar chips - 100
soup - 60
strawberries - 100
Total: 1055 calories
Exercise: -200 calories
Grand total: 855

So I didn't eat only veggies and tuna. BUT, I'm definitely proud of the number today. And I only counted calories for the pure sake of eating things that weren't on my list of allowed foods. Tomorrow is a fast, and then the next day will be another day of healthy eating, etc etc. So, we'll see how this works out for me. Because my control was a lot better today than it usually is.

So I've come up with a little plan, as far as eating, that will keep me and hopefully everyone around me happy, but at the same time I'll still be losing weight.

While reading the blog "The Chubby Pear" earlier this morning, she mentioned eating and fasting every other day in a previous post. My boyfriend never said I couldn't fast at all, just that he didn't want me fasting for five days straight. Understandable. And I'm definitely not looking forward to almost passing out again. No thanks. So I'm going to give that a try.

So, on fasting days - obviously - I won't be eating at all. Only water. On days where I'm allowed food, I'll only accept tuna, green veggies (and cauliflower because it's just delicious), and water. Possibly vitamins. Haven't decided, because those little fuckers lie and say there's no sugar in it. But in the label it says dextrose; A form of sugar. As far as calories, I'm not going to count them. They'll be practically non-existent if those are the things that I'm going to be eating anyway. I'll just eat when I'm hungry, and fast every other day. Maybe then I'll be able to control my binge habits a little better because I'll still be eating, and I won't be completely nutrient deficient. Also, on eating days, I'll involve some sort of moderate exercise. Aaaand since I exercised this morning... I guess it's an eat day.

Also, if my mom would figure out her paypal account, I could eventually get my nutrient shakes from Herbalife. Those things are so damn good and will make up for the lack of anything in my diet.

I guess that's all for this morning. I'm going to shower, and have some breakfast. Wow, saying that sounds so unfamiliar... I think the last time I had breakfast was about two weeks ago.

Well whatever. Wish me luck.

These past few days have been hell, as far as feeling good. I'm not sure why, because usually I feel really good while fasting. But I've been tired, sluggish, and haven't really wanted to do anything. I think I might be slightly dehydrated, which could be the problem. I tried to get some more fluids down yesterday but I still feel kinda shitty. It makes me want to break the fast.

I had to restrain myself sooo bad from indulging on food these past three days. My friend brought in cupcakes for her birthday. I fed my share to my boyfriend instead. I tried to ignore the bag of girl scout cookies my boyfriend was eating last night while I was over. I haven't had girl scout cookies in forever and they looked soooo fucking good... But I refused any. It was also our one month anniversary, and I so badly wanted to go out and do something. But everything I wanted involved food, like going out to dinner and the such. So I just avoided asking for anything as to not provoke a failure on day two.

I'm really grouchy, I've noticed. I hate the first couple days of fasting because they're always the worst. Like, starting over, day one is the worst. You just want it to be the third or fourth day and you just want to have already lost five or so pounds. And the thought of food you don't even like sounds great. You can smell EVERYTHING. You're always tired. Ugh. At least its going on the third day now.

Oh, and my mom's starting to get all suspicious. She's actually concerned about the fasting thing now. So doing it will probably require effort when at home. I hate telling lies but... Oh well. They're only little white ones.

EDIT:
I don't think I've ever been afraid of something going wrong while fasting. I never really thought anything would because... well, it hasn't before.

Like I said in my earlier post today, things just haven't been right. I've been feeling really shitty, lethargic and tired. Today was the worst because I felt like I had no energy for anything. Later in the day, I managed to get cut and was bleeding pretty badly - by means of which I don't really want to talk about. After trying to stop the bleeding, I got outrageously dizzy, felt like I was going to vomit and had to lay down. Next came the feeling of having to pass out. It wasn't until my boyfriend got some juice in me that I felt better. I was so shakey, I could barely hold the glass. He was upset, with my eating habits, and kept telling me he was worried. I think that was the first time in my life anyone ever said they were worried about me... honestly.

I'm kind of in a predicament here. I very badly don't want to eat. Everything is all fine and dandy... until I eat. Except today. And I promised my boyfriend I would eat for him, more than I usually do anyway. I very badly don't want to break the promise, but I don't want to eat. I really, really don't. But I can't seem to lose weight the right way, because of my binge eating habits. It's just easier not to eat... It feels so much better not to eat. Why am I always so guilty when something goes into my stomach? Even spinach gets me all worked up because I know it's in there... I know I ate. I'm so messed up.

I guess, since I'm being "forced" to eat, then I'll only accept a few things into my mouth:
spinach
tuna(spoonful of mayo for moisture)
water
vitamins

Low sugar, low calorie. It will be impossible to put on the weight if I stick to it, and no one can be on my ass for not eating.

So... this is completely random. But yesterday, my boyfriend played a song when he was driving me home and I nearly cried. It was just really emotional. It brings back memories, ones of being a child. Way back when I felt like I had no one, when I felt like I had only myself to rely on. Way back when I told my self everything would be okay, everything would be better when I grew up.

I guess they are progressively getting better. They still aren't perfect, but life is better than it was. I have lots to be grateful for, now, and I'm glad for that. I just wish I didn't struggle with this.

Anyway, here's the song. Enjoy it.



Hang on... Help is on the way.

There was always a reason that I hated being alone. It's not that I'm lonely or high maintenance, or that I have to do something every second of the day. No.

When I'm alone, I have no distractions from food. It's like... My mind takes over, I feel like I need it, and in the end... I eat it. Not just a snack, not just a nibble of something. I eat a lot. I eat like I haven't eaten in weeks. I don't know why I can't stop, but my body just keeps asking for more. The sad part is, when I'm done, I feel like I just want to die.

And it's not because I haven't eaten in a couple days. I usually have fantastic control over myself while fasting. But it's when I take a bite of something, even something little, that the horrible cycle begins. Hear that? No, I bet you don't. The sound of a plastic wrapper of a roll of crackers I just demolished, crumpling as I go to throw it away. You don't even want to know what else I ate today. I'm ashamed and I feel too full for words. Obviously, I broke my fast. I feel like a failure.

The hardest part, even harder than dealing with what I just did, is blogging this. I promised I wouldn't hold back, and I didn't - not entirely - due to my boyfriend reading but... I don't know. This is hard for me. I feel like he should know, if no one else. And he's been so good to me about it the past couple days too... But it's still hard. I hate being judged. He said he wouldn't, but people still have thoughts. I'm sure things are still going through his head. What are you thinking about baby?

I'm fasting tomorrow. And also, hopefully, getting a treadmill. At least if I decide to binge, I won't feel as bad if I can run it off any time I want...

I hate food.

I absofuckinglutely hate waking up in the morning feeling sick. And the sickness is usually from my horrible eating habits the night/day before. Pizza. Wow. Tootsie rolls. Fail. Starburst gummies. Fml.

So not eating today was purely due to the fact that I felt like I was going to vomit until about 12:30 in the afternoon. I'm not complaining about not eating, but I can't say I enjoy feeling like a sick dog all day. I slept through two class periods, before my art teacher made my boyfriend drag me off to the nurse. I love how no other teacher offered to send me to the nurse, because half a dozen people told me I looked like death today. Oh well.

I feel a little better about telling my boyfriend about the whole situation. After a long talk about everything, he promised to do everything he could to support me... no matter what. It was really nice to hear someone say they just want me to be happy. I even went as far as to give him the blog info... I trust him with it. And I don't plan on changing anything that I say. I'm still going to say everything I normally would, even though he's reading. I'm not going to lie, or leave things out, or be fake. He said he could take it, so I'm going to continue writing what I write.

And hooray, for a follower!

That's all for today. The boyfriend is at the end of the bed, because I told him he couldn't read the blog until I had written it. So he's sitting behind the laptop, waiting patiently. Guess I better finish up for him, he wants to rage on some WoW. :]

Think thin, keep up the work.

I'm rather depressed.

I some what sort of came out and told my boyfriend about the eating disorder. I didn't really mention anorexia or anything, I just said I had problems with eating, a mental distortion of what was thin, and that I couldn't control it. He came back with,

"How can you not control what you eat? You decide, you decide to eat or not to eat today."

My heart kinda hurts. I mean, I guess I couldn't expect him to support me. That's kind of dumb. No one would support me. But now he's going to watch me like a hawk, and make sure I eat. I don't want to lie to him about food. I want to be honest with him, about everything. But I'm going to get fat. I'm so deathly afraid of gaining weight. Once you've had a taste of thin, you never want to go back. I miss being 122, and ever since I've been with him, I've put on about ten pounds. I feel disgusting. I feel heavy and bloated. I can't control what I eat anymore. It's honestly easier to just not eat, but he won't let me get away with that now. I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't want to lie to him... he's my baby.

And this is when I realize that someone who has never experienced anorexia will never ever understand it's effects. They will never understand the constant mental disturbance it causes, they will never understand the way you feel when you eat. No one will understand how you feel and they can't say it's as easy as a decision. It's not that easy. It's like prison. You're trapped and surrounded by guards, those guard being food. You can't leave without taking a bite. If you take a bite, you're sent back to prison because that's no good. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'm just really upset right now. I wish I had someone to understand me. Someone who won't tell me to eat. Someone who will not eat with me. Someone who won't tell me I'm too thin.

I feel really alone, actually. My only friend seems to be food, maybe that's why I've been binging so much. I miss feeling empty. I keep saying I'm going to fast but never follow through. Why is this so hard? Why can't anyone understand? I want help, but at the same time I don't. Help will make me fat. Help means eating. I don't want help. I just want to get rid of my addiction to food.

Help.

I want to be healthy.
But I just as equally want to be thin.
I want a size zero.
But food gets in my way.
What can I do?

It's so hard to be healthy.
It's even harder to be thin.

I wish I had more time to blog. I feel like I'm just so busy all the damn time. I guess that's not a bad thing, I'd rather have lots to do than sit home alone all day. But sometimes it'd be nice just to post a blog a little more than every couple days. Then again, I'm not really sure what the point of posting is because I haven't a single follower yet. Hahah. Well, I'm sure they'll come in time.

So how's the eating, everyone? I know I said I was planning on starting my fast two days ago but that was a bust. I started today because I kept putting it off and I needed to finish off the food mom bought the week prior. So in a way I just binged like crazy just to get it all out of the way. Not to mention I went out to eat almost every day this week with my boyfriend, and then yesterday went to Applebees with my mom. I ate a huge plate of fried shrimp, fries, and even an appetizer of onion rings. I felt so sick but it was so good. Sometimes I wonder why I bother eating it because honestly, the taste really isn't worth it. It's good, but it's not worth it.

I love the feeling of fasting. I know I've said it so many times but it's such a high to not have anything in your body. The shakiness of the first day makes me feel so energetic, like I can't sit still. Aside from being sleepy the first day as well, it all feels so good. The second and third days get so much better. Mmmmm... I'm so glad I started a fast again. This time, I'm not going to binge my weight back. I keep gaining back the five - ten pounds that I keep losing. I get down to 120 and then gain it all back because I can't control my eating. But I'm not going to eat it back. I'm going to use my healthy eating to my advantage. Every time I want something that tastes good, I'm going to have some spinach instead. I love spinach. My boyfriend and I ate a whole bag of spinach together like it was a bag of chips. Am I strange?

Ugh. My body isn't hungry but all food looks good. Even the thought of meat sounds delicious and I don't even eat meat! This morning, my boyfriend had scones for breakfast. You have no idea how hard it was to tell my body that it didn't need it. It didn't need the sugar, the fat, the grossness. "They're gross, they're bad for you, you don't like them," I told myself. Not to mention, he offered them three times and I had to remind myself of all those things each time he asked. Ugh. Food. I hate it, but I love it. I'm so addicted to it. Why does food have to rule my life?

Think thin, you'll be a size zero soon. :]

I really wish I had some viewers. I mean, of course, I'm writing for my own purposes: to vent, to complain, without being complained back to about how much I complain. hahah. But it always seems to make me feel better when I have readers. Readers who offer advice, share my problem and can relate, or who are just interested in reading. I have like... no idea how to GET readers, but I hope that some come along soon, I want some blog friends. :] Speaking of that, I'm still looking for some ana texting buddies.

To finish the week off, I'm gonna start a fast tomorrow. I'm hoping for this one to be just as long - if not longer - as last weeks. Boy that felt good. I ate so much today, too. It was bad. Lots of cheese too, which really bothers my stomach. I don't know why I eat it, because my stomach completely fails at digesting it and I usually vomit the next day. Blah. I'm afraid to go to school, because I might get sick. I guess I'll just stay home. It'd be nice to try and get my boyfriend to skip with me... Mmm, fun.

Speaking of the boyfriend, I'm really starting to appreciate him. He's so sweet lately. Like, he'll bother to try and feed me, but if I say no, he doesn't keep on my ass about it. He just says, "Okay babe." and leaves it at that. He doesn't pry, he doesn't pressure me, he just accepts it. I haven't told him about my eating... then again, I'm sure it's not hard to figure it out. I'm just not sure I want to come out and say it. It's one thing for him to assume, it's another for him to know... and judge me. He says he loves me though. I don't know, it's only been a couple weeks. It seems early but... I feel like I've known the kid all my life. Is that weird?

Blah. I'm so uncomfortable with this full of a stomach. I wish I could make myself throw up, honestly I'd feel better. But I can't do it, no matter how far I shove a finger or two down my throat. Not that it's something I'd ever want to get in the habit of doing, but I'm sure you've had your bad days where you've felt this disgusting before; Those days that throwing up would just make you're stomach feel a lot better. Not to purge it. I'm not a purge-er. I hate throwing up. It makes me cry and stuff. Maybe I'm just a big baby.

So, if there are any viewers, please start to follow publicly! I'd like to see and hear from all of you. It's wonderful to get to know people just like me, to relate. But for now, I think I'm done with my rant. I'm sleepy, and I think I might hit up some WoW before I try and get some sleep. Yes, that's right, I play World of Warcraft. Sue me. Hahahah.

Think thin everyone, we're that much closer to size zero. ♥

It's been a while since I've actually posted an update. It's mostly because I've been living like a fat cow for the past week. I fasted successfully for about four days, and then Halloween fucked it up. I really wish I just hadn't eaten any candy and kept fasting. I was doing great, feeling amazing with an empty stomach. And then I fucked it up. I haven't really binged, I've just been... eating. Too much. I feel fat. I feel bloated. Mom went grocery shopping so I'm forced to eat or else the food goes bad. My boyfriend insists on buying me food after school. I need to eat this fucking food until it's gone and then get back on track. I haven't followed my plan at all since Halloween so I'm disappointed in myself. 130 pounds feels so fat. I miss 122. My boyfriend keeps telling me that he loves me how I am, but he's always touching my hips and telling me how amazing they are. I want them to show more, I want him to admire them more. I so badly want 115 pounds. No, I want 110 pounds. I want to be weightless. My boyfriend is about 135. He's so skinny, I love it. We're both skinny, but I want to be skinnier.

I have to go now, though. Going with the boyfriend to a party for his mom's town supervisor election. Maybe I'll post again soon.

Think thin, everyone. We're all able to reach size zero. :]

I completely need to turn my mindset around.

With my period just hitting me, I've been so miserable. I've taken it out on my mom, brother, boyfriend, friends... They all hate me for it. And for some reason, the mood swings are worse than normal. I can't even control it. My boyfriend bluntly told me I was a bitch today. Yeah, I died inside a little bit. I ended up coming home and sleeping until 8 o'clock. I had nothing better to do, and it was the only thing that kept my mind off those words. For some reason, the hostility kind of inspires me not to eat. That sounds so strange.

As far as Halloween, I think I'm going to make up some bullshit excuse not to eat any candy and just keep fasting that day. I know I'll regret eating it, and besides, I've had sooo much candy the last few days that I'm all candied out. It's bad. Aside from that, I almost want to test myself to see how long I can keep fasting. My longest was about three days, but I know I have the potential to go longer. Oh it'll feel soooo good too. I love the empty, light, jittery feeling.

My mom just put my dog down. I feel kind of bad because I influenced it. The dog is known to be a biter, and he's a bite dog so it isn't just a nip or anything. It's a full out bite. A think about a year ago he bit my mom and destroyed a nerve and made her bleed. He also bit some guy here a few months ago, who was roughin' around with him. Last night he bit me because I tried to pull a blanket out from underneath him. My mom said that it was the last straw, we had to put him down. The good news is, he's an old dog and he was kind of sick any way. We were probably doing him a favor, but I can't help but miss him any way. The house just seems like it's missing something, you know?

I've been asleep all day, to avoid food, so I'm completely not tired now. I don't know what to do with myself, and writing doesn't seem to be an option because I don't have much to say. Hahah, I love how I write these long ass posts and I don't even have any viewers. None that are following, at least. Oh well, someone will be bound to stop by and read something eventually.

Think thin, babes. And think size zero. :]

I've been posting way too much.

Life is really hard. Especially when you have an eating disorder. It's even harder, when you suffer from both ends of the spectrum. You can go days without eating, and love the feeling. And then another time, you're addicted to food. You binge and binge until you're five pounds more the next day. If anyone goes through this, you'll know the feeling. You feel amazing when you don't eat, and you feel just as equally amazing when you're binging. After the binge, you're ready to curl up in a corner and die. It's a horrible horrible feeling, and I don't know what to do with myself when it happens. Sometimes I wish I lived on my own, then I wouldn't have to buy food. I wouldn't have to tempt myself with eating garbage like my family does. Even though I think it's absolutely disgusting, I eat it anyway. I've grown up eating it, it's why I was fat. I can't help it. I'm addicted to food and I wish I could change it. Humans need to stop living to eat, and we need to learn how to eat to live.

I wonder if people really understand how anorexics feel. I wonder if they really understand how obese people feel. Even though both sufferers suffer at two very opposite side of things, there's something we have in common. We have an addiction with food, something we can't control, urges to do things we wish we could just stop. Are the people who work with people who have eating disorders ever been in recovery themselves? Do they know what it's like to feel like this? Do they know what it's like to want to just give up because you feel like you're worthless for eating something as small as a bowl of cereal? Life is so depressing when food controls it. The sad part is, we're all addicted because the people who made the food MADE it addicting. It's disgusting how far people will go to make money. Our world is cold and selfish. One will do anything for money.

Tonight is not a good night. I failed my fast because of my boyfriend. What did I say? I spoke to soon and said I was successful. Well guess what, I failed. Yeah, I'm really fucking happy about that. Not.

Fml. I want to be a size zero.

So there seems to be a bit of a trend going around with blogs and such. It seems other blogs that are also pro-ana seem to be looking for texting buddies. I figured I may as well join in on the fun, eh? Besides, it wouldn't hurt to have someone to relate to, I guess. Especially when food becomes a bitch, and taunts me. So, long story short, I'm looking for texting buddies. If you're interested, leave a comment with your email and I'll get back to you on that. I update pretty much daily, so it shouldn't take too long for me to contact you.

With the texting news aside, I'd like to announce that day one of fasting is almost over. I shouldn't say it is over yet, because I still have all night to avoid food in all ways possible. But, it's about three quarters of the way over. I still feel like a fatty, but once the first day is over, the rest of the days get easier and I'll only keep getting thinner. I kinda wanted to exercise earlier, but my fat lazy ass changed its mind and I only jumped on the trampoline for about 15 minutes instead of going for a run. Major fail. Someone kick my ass into gear, will ya?

I'm stoked for Halloween day. No, not for the candy; Fuck the candy. I'm stoked for my weight loss by then. It'll feel so nice to get into my old, favorite pair of jeans again without my hip flab hanging out all over the place. It's gonna be hot. Of course, they aren't a size zero, but I've gotta be grateful for something until then. ♥

My boyfriend tried to buy me a sub and a sugary drink today when he came to pick me up from school. He told me I was jerk for not letting him buy me something, joking of course, but I just stuck my tongue out at him. The only good part about hanging out with him is he's not the type of person who eats for entertainment. Like, when we're together, we totally forget about food. The only time he tries to force feed me is when my stomach growls like a fucking lion. He won't let me refuse food then. Usually I can get away with it by saying, "Oh I'm not hungry, just have an upset stomach!" I kind of feel bad, because he cares a lot about me, already. We just recently starting dating... so he has no idea about my whole eating issue. I'm kind of afraid to tell him. He keeps telling me I'm beautiful, he likes me the way I am, and that I am NOT fat. If I tell him, I don't want him to freak out and be like "I don't want my girl to eventually be skin and bones... gross." and break up with me. Which I'm probably exaggerating there a bit but still... I don't even know how to tell him. I want him to support me but that's never happened, ever.

Is it true that vitamins don't become deficient until 30 days of not getting any in the body? I read that somewhere, and that is fabulous news to know for the future, but I want to justify it. I just realized, it'd be faster to google it. Guess I'll get on that.

Think thin, babes. We're all a size zero. :]

So this morning, I wrote down my goals all over my calendar. Everything will get done by the deadlines this time. I will be 110 pounds by November 20th. I'll be fucking hot. And with so much enthusiasm this morning, I'm going to start the week with a fast. Sound good everyone? This is the perfect opportunity as well, because my boyfriend is sick. I won't have to hide my non-eating habits while I'm around him, and I won't have to lie to get out of eating food. It's perfect.

My only worry is Tuesday. I'm taking my road test, to get my license. I think fasting will be a good thing, because I can manage to remain calm when my metabolism is like... shut off. But the lack of food makes me even less concentrated than I already am. Which is bad. I think I have a tiny case of ADD. Oh well. Regardless, that's tomorrow, and I'm debating eating before hand. Well, whenever the answer comes to me, I'll post it. For now it's undecided.

I'm definitely one of the lucky teenagers, who's mom is so laid back. I honestly say to her, "Mom, I'm not eating this week. I'm fasting." And she seriously won't by me food until I tell her otherwise. I've convinced her that not eating is for health purposes, that fasting is supposed to be major healthy. I feel bad in a way for lying, but hey, she bought it.

I really hate the first day of fasting. It never feels as good as the other days. It's not till like... the second day where you really start to feel empty. I hate feeling like I still have food in my stomach. It makes me feel so fat, so heavy, so pulled down. I love having a tiny little stomach when there's nothing in it. It's amazing. I can't wait to be 110 pounds. I don't think I've ever come close to a size zero in my life - I've always been fat! - but I will get there this time.

I'm on my way to a size zero, and it's gonna be hot.

If any of you have ever been in the situation of being over weight, you would understand. The familiar taunt of almost everyone around you, ringing through your head, persisting even long after they are no longer around. Persisting until you're alone. Until you're lonely. To become skinny, people try anything they can possibly try. Diets. Exercise. It all works, for a while. Eventually though, nothing is ever good enough. You're always striving to be better. The effort of it all just ends up being too over whelming. Sometimes we just want to give up. Other times we take the route that seems so much easier.

We just don't eat.

For those of you who understand, I'd like to invite you in following my journey. I'd like to invite you to share with me your struggles and your goals of reaching a weight that only the most disciplined could ever succeed in reaching. You want to be the best. You want to be the strongest. You want to look better than anyone else.

You know what? You can.

We all can, and I'm blogging in hopes of keeping my goal. It's time to stop letting people stop your weight loss. It's time to become expert in hiding what you're good at. It's time to stop letting the scale disappoint us. We are thin. We are skinny. We only have one friend who understands us. Ana.

Think thin, girls (and guys). We're about to reach size zero.